Dear America,
Have we forgotten the lessons of that matron of good manners Emily Post? Maybe we need a refresher course!
Love always
Brian
It has come to my attention somewhat gradually that we seem to have forgotten those lessons taught to us by one Emily Post. For those of you who do not know who Mrs. Post was, she stood as the beacon of etiquette and good manners in the early twentith century. She literally wrote the book on good manners and was often refered to when one was talking about good manners or how to behave in public. Today we have the Countess LuAnn DeLessps from the Real Housewives of New York to tell us how to act, if we choose to listen.
Anyway you may wonder why I am bringing up this matron of politness. Well in my various jobs I tend to see a lot of people. I get to interact with people that have been to college and seem to be well educated, and then people that seem as if they should be living with the mole people. There are a lot of different types inbetween, but I thought it would take too long to categorize them all, so we will just have to use our imaginatioins. (Call these people what you like, and let me know your creative names, I like to add them to my vocabulary). Being able to observe these people makes me often feel like one of those guys on the wild life shows. We all know who they are, the men that are out on the African Savannah, watching the Lions as they go through their day to day lives, and talking to the camera in their best golf announcer voice. As I stand in my drive thru window everyday, I start to feel like this guy as people pull up. As I watch these "animals" in thier "natural habitat", I often wonder what Ms. Post would say.
First and formost there is the often sighted Yellow Bellied Pronouncer. This is a species that I seem to come into contact with on a regular basis. You all know how I feel about Splender (there is no R! Come on... But I will not go there...) but the other day I heard a new one. I was doing my bussing rounds, and making sure that the resturaunt was clean and in general appealing to the public when I heard two people talking about why they came to dinner. The man said to the woman that it was on the SPERM of the moment! SPERM! Come on. How in the world does this even make sense to anyone? I mean I know that sperm swim fast, and often when people have sex it is either fast, or it kind of comes up unexpectadly, but really. Sperm of the moment. That one goes right up there with Barbarian Cream donut.These are the people that drive me crazy the most. In my experience if you are well mannered, then you tend to speak correctly. It does not really mean that you have bad manners if you pronounce something wrong, there is the whole tomato tomahto thing, but I am sure it is bad manners to say that you decided to go somewhere on the sperm of the moment.
The next animal that I tend to see a lot of is the North Eastern Dropper. This is one that again seems to be a little bit too common. Perhaps we should look into legislation that would help us controll the population of this intersting animal. This one looks nice, and often speaks nice as well. Thier sperm never goes somewhere with out really thinking about it first, but thier central flaw is that they tend to drop and leave. This is an interesting action, and one I first encountered in my days working in retail. You do see this animal in the resturaunt world, but more often you see them in department stores, which tends to be thier natural habbitat. Their pattern of behavior is often easy to track, and they are easy to spot as they are usually dressed like Martha Stewart. This breed likes to pick up merchandise and look at it. When they are done looking at it, they do not put it back where it goes, but instead they like to drop the item where they are. Most likely they will put it on another shelf, but the more bold of this species likes to just drop thier prey on the floor. It is often like when a shark grabs a person thinking that they are a seal. There is that energy and some might say blood lust. The dropper like the shark thinks that they have the real deal. Instead of a seal, the dropper may think that they have a sale item. Then like the shark, they realize that they do not have a sale item, and they drop it. Right there on the floor. Now like a shark in the wild (or in captivity) this species does not like to be approached. If you see them back away slowly and wait for them to leave your area. I once dared to apporch this creature to ask if I could help them. Not only was I informed that they would seek me out if they wanted me to help them, they then informed me, after I asked, that it was my job to clean up after them and that is why they dropped merchandise on the floor. I am sure that Emily post never had the bad manners to do this.
Now I could go through all of the animals that live on this particular Savannah that I have had the pleasure to observe for the last ten years, but to be honest there is not enough time, nor enough space on my computer. So I will go to the last of the animals that I have had the pleasure of observing in the last few years. This new creature is a little shyer than the others, and tends to spook very easily. So you have to often watch them in stelth. The last time I observed this creature was about three nights ago, and to get a good look, I had to act as if I was asking the bar tender if they needed anything. I also stocked silverware and cleaned a lot of tables in the lounge that night. This specimen is known as the Great Horned Gobbler. This creature often travels in packs. Who they are traveling with often determines the level of their activity. The Great Horned Gobbler often likes to eat with their mouths open, and at some moments may even try to shove the contents of their plate into their mouth at once. You see this animal seems to forget that they are in public, and so they act as they would at home. Now I am well into my thirties, and have left the years of my early youth far behind, but let me tell you that if i were to act as this animal does, my father would not fail to glue my mouth shut.
My first real contact with a gobbler dealt with a man who felt that he was going to get all of the flavor and protein out of his steak. I watched as he sat there and literally sucked on the fat of his steak. He not only sucked on it, but he seemed to chew it a little, never really chewing to the point of being able to swallow, but more like a mother bird who chews up the work and then regurgitates it into the mouth of it's young. As he continued to chew the fat, he would take it out to test it's consistency, putting it back into his mouth he would continue this cycle until all the flavor had been extracted. At one fearful moment he leaned over the table and i thought that he was going to put this morsal of foof into the mouth of his young, but he was mearly swatting the had of his son away from his french fries. (the gobbler doe not really like to share food.) This guy has nothing on the female of his species. I was forutnate enough to encounter the female of the Great Horned Gobbler about four nights ago. It was a Monday night and I was watching the Savannah as usual. All was quiet, when I was alerted to a spill on one of the tables. As I approched the table I was not certian that I was approaching the female of this species, but the thought has posted in my head.
I approached with caution as this feamale can easily be spooked. The only time that they are not easily spooked is when they have consumed mass quanities of alcohol, and then thier behaivor tends to be magnified. After I cleaned up the mess, I observed the food begin to arrive and knew I was in for a treat. Cheese fries and rach dipping sauce, which happens to be like cat nip to this creature, were placed on the table, and the feeding frenzy started. These fries are like blood in the water to a shark, and often bring out the nature of the gobbler. This particular one waited no time and grabbed a hand full of fries. I watched in wonder as the mouth of the creature opend and the hot fries dripping with ranch made thier way into the mouth. Now the mouth of the gobbler is not as large as that of a shark, so a good portion of the fries remained on the outside, and as a result ranch ringed the mouth like a token of victory. The gobbler swayed back and forth in apparent delight, finally swallowing it food, and then proceeded to smear ranch all over her face. This patern was repeated over and over again, until the creature stumbled from the resturaunt with a doggy bag in hand.
As I watch these strange species cross my path daily, I wonder what Emily Post would say. How woluld she feel to know that all of her hard work seemed to have gone to waste. Would she be sad, or would she perhaps put it down to evolution? We all seem to evolve and change and perhaps these are species have found new ways to make it in a brave new world.
