What would Emily Post say!?!?!?

Dear America,

Have we forgotten the lessons of that matron of good manners Emily Post? Maybe we need a refresher course!

Love always

Brian

It has come to my attention somewhat gradually that we seem to have forgotten those lessons taught to us by one Emily Post. For those of you who do not know who Mrs. Post was, she stood as the beacon of etiquette and good manners in the early twentith century. She literally wrote the book on good manners and was often refered to when one was talking about good manners or how to behave in public. Today we have the Countess LuAnn DeLessps from the Real Housewives of New York to tell us how to act, if we choose to listen.

Anyway you may wonder why I am bringing up this matron of politness. Well in my various jobs I tend to see a lot of people. I get to interact with people that have been to college and seem to be well educated, and then people that seem as if they should be living with the mole people. There are a lot of different types inbetween, but I thought it would take too long to categorize them all, so we will just have to use our imaginatioins. (Call these people what you like, and let me know your creative names, I like to add them to my vocabulary). Being able to observe these people makes me often feel like one of those guys on the wild life shows. We all know who they are, the men that are out on the African Savannah, watching the Lions as they go through their day to day lives, and talking to the camera in their best golf announcer voice. As I stand in my drive thru window everyday, I start to feel like this guy as people pull up. As I watch these "animals" in thier "natural habitat", I often wonder what Ms. Post would say.

First and formost there is the often sighted Yellow Bellied Pronouncer. This is a species that I seem to come into contact with on a regular basis. You all know how I feel about Splender (there is no R! Come on... But I will not go there...) but the other day I heard a new one. I was doing my bussing rounds, and making sure that the resturaunt was clean and in general appealing to the public when I heard two people talking about why they came to dinner. The man said to the woman that it was on the SPERM of the moment! SPERM! Come on. How in the world does this even make sense to anyone? I mean I know that sperm swim fast, and often when people have sex it is either fast, or it kind of comes up unexpectadly, but really. Sperm of the moment. That one goes right up there with Barbarian Cream donut.These are the people that drive me crazy the most. In my experience if you are well mannered, then you tend to speak correctly. It does not really mean that you have bad manners if you pronounce something wrong, there is the whole tomato tomahto thing, but I am sure it is bad manners to say that you decided to go somewhere on the sperm of the moment.

The next animal that I tend to see a lot of is the North Eastern Dropper. This is one that again seems to be a little bit too common. Perhaps we should look into legislation that would help us controll the population of this intersting animal. This one looks nice, and often speaks nice as well. Thier sperm never goes somewhere with out really thinking about it first, but thier central flaw is that they tend to drop and leave. This is an interesting action, and one I first encountered in my days working in retail. You do see this animal in the resturaunt world, but more often you see them in department stores, which tends to be thier natural habbitat. Their pattern of behavior is often easy to track, and they are easy to spot as they are usually dressed like Martha Stewart. This breed likes to pick up merchandise and look at it. When they are done looking at it, they do not put it back where it goes, but instead they like to drop the item where they are. Most likely they will put it on another shelf, but the more bold of this species likes to just drop thier prey on the floor. It is often like when a shark grabs a person thinking that they are a seal. There is that energy and some might say blood lust. The dropper like the shark thinks that they have the real deal. Instead of a seal, the dropper may think that they have a sale item. Then like the shark, they realize that they do not have a sale item, and they drop it. Right there on the floor. Now like a shark in the wild (or in captivity) this species does not like to be approached. If you see them back away slowly and wait for them to leave your area. I once dared to apporch this creature to ask if I could help them. Not only was I informed that they would seek me out if they wanted me to help them, they then informed me, after I asked, that it was my job to clean up after them and that is why they dropped merchandise on the floor. I am sure that Emily post never had the bad manners to do this.

Now I could go through all of the animals that live on this particular Savannah that I have had the pleasure to observe for the last ten years, but to be honest there is not enough time, nor enough space on my computer. So I will go to the last of the animals that I have had the pleasure of observing in the last few years. This new creature is a little shyer than the others, and tends to spook very easily. So you have to often watch them in stelth. The last time I observed this creature was about three nights ago, and to get a good look, I had to act as if I was asking the bar tender if they needed anything. I also stocked silverware and cleaned a lot of tables in the lounge that night. This specimen is known as the Great Horned Gobbler. This creature often travels in packs. Who they are traveling with often determines the level of their activity. The Great Horned Gobbler often likes to eat with their mouths open, and at some moments may even try to shove the contents of their plate into their mouth at once. You see this animal seems to forget that they are in public, and so they act as they would at home. Now I am well into my thirties, and have left the years of my early youth far behind, but let me tell you that if i were to act as this animal does, my father would not fail to glue my mouth shut.

My first real contact with a gobbler dealt with a man who felt that he was going to get all of the flavor and protein out of his steak. I watched as he sat there and literally sucked on the fat of his steak. He not only sucked on it, but he seemed to chew it a little, never really chewing to the point of being able to swallow, but more like a mother bird who chews up the work and then regurgitates it into the mouth of it's young. As he continued to chew the fat, he would take it out to test it's consistency, putting it back into his mouth he would continue this cycle until all the flavor had been extracted. At one fearful moment he leaned over the table and i thought that he was going to put this morsal of foof into the mouth of his young, but he was mearly swatting the had of his son away from his french fries. (the gobbler doe not really like to share food.) This guy has nothing on the female of his species. I was forutnate enough to encounter the female of the Great Horned Gobbler about four nights ago. It was a Monday night and I was watching the Savannah as usual. All was quiet, when I was alerted to a spill on one of the tables. As I approched the table I was not certian that I was approaching the female of this species, but the thought has posted in my head.

I approached with caution as this feamale can easily be spooked. The only time that they are not easily spooked is when they have consumed mass quanities of alcohol, and then thier behaivor tends to be magnified. After I cleaned up the mess, I observed the food begin to arrive and knew I was in for a treat. Cheese fries and rach dipping sauce, which happens to be like cat nip to this creature, were placed on the table, and the feeding frenzy started. These fries are like blood in the water to a shark, and often bring out the nature of the gobbler. This particular one waited no time and grabbed a hand full of fries. I watched in wonder as the mouth of the creature opend and the hot fries dripping with ranch made thier way into the mouth. Now the mouth of the gobbler is not as large as that of a shark, so a good portion of the fries remained on the outside, and as a result ranch ringed the mouth like a token of victory. The gobbler swayed back and forth in apparent delight, finally swallowing it food, and then proceeded to smear ranch all over her face. This patern was repeated over and over again, until the creature stumbled from the resturaunt with a doggy bag in hand.

As I watch these strange species cross my path daily, I wonder what Emily Post would say. How woluld she feel to know that all of her hard work seemed to have gone to waste. Would she be sad, or would she perhaps put it down to evolution? We all seem to evolve and change and perhaps these are species have found new ways to make it in a brave new world.

So sorry

I just wanted to say for those of you that follow that I am so sorry that I have not written in a log time. I have been busy and as you know, life just sometimes rolls over us. I am making it a point to try and post at least three times a week. So hopefully we will see this happen. So here we go....

Home of the brave and the land of the free to be you and me???

Dear America,

When will it be okay to be yourself?

Love Always,

Brian

When I was a little boy I was told that I was special. Many teachers told me I was smart, people often told me I was funny, sweet, kind, thoughtful etc.... So many words used to describe the little boy that I was. I was different and it was celebrated. One of my friends once told me that I marched to the beat of my own drum and that he always admired that about me. As I grew older, I noticed that fewer people remarked kindly on what made me different, and started to concentrate on what makes me just like everyone else. When did it become bad to be different?

I have often wondered what offended these people. I had a teacher remark once that she thought it was odd that when I read I sat indian style in my desk and rocked back and forth. Another teacher once worried that I carried too many books to read. That I did not just focus on one, but had three going at the same time. The music is never right, and the tv shows that I watch are not the right tv shows. I am made fun of because I watch a soap opera and because I like fun pop music. So it makes me wonder, at what point did my drum become to loud?

In the home of the brave and the land of the free, why can't we be free to be you and me? I do not have any desire to be the guy that sits next to me or the person that you want me to be. I have played that game for far too long. All through High School I tried to be the person that people expected me to be. I was polite when I wanted to be rude, walked when I wanted to run, and sat in silence when I wanted to cry. Why must I bind myself up so tightly? Why do the people who have nothing to do with my life have so much to say about my life? So I guess what I am saying America, (and New Jersey) let people do the things they need to do. What does it matter? How does it hurt you that I like to listen to Pink and read Pride and Prejudice sequels? If you don't like the music or the book, don't listen or read. It is that simple. In the same vain, if you do not want to marry a person of the same sex, then don't, but don't tell someone else that they have to live in the world that you live in. Not everyone has the same beliefs.

Some people may think it should be Adam and Steve, and they may think that there was no Adam and Eve. That's okay America. You can think differently and still be friends. You don't have to live someone else's life and you don't have to listen to their music, but you should respect the choices that they make, and understand that not everyone marches to your drum. They may not even have a drum, they may have a piano or a flute, and how boring would the orchestra be with only drums. So America, let everyone be who they want to be and just back the freak off!

Stop and Go and I think I might kill someone.

Dear America,

Why must you pause or go really fast? Is there not an in-between?

Love

Brian

There is a new trend happening in America, and it's called the stop and go. Some of you may think that this is a dance or maybe a hip new mini mart, but in reality, this is the new way to order food. Now I am sure that a lot of you out there want to know how to join this hot new trend, and seeing as I work in the Food and Beverage industry and my store has a drive thru, so I have mixed feelings about telling you this. But in the spirit of the season, and my rant, I will tell you.

So you must first drive up to the order box and totally ignore the person when they speak to you. There are a few ways to do this. You can use the ummmm... which is basically just saying ummmm for a really long time or over and over again. You can just not say anything (which is my personal favorite) or you can talk on your phone and not order at all. I also like this one. Once you have finished the ignoring portion of our program, you must then move on to the real meat of the matter. The start and stop.

The start and stop is very simple. You just need to order, stop and then order again. Here is an example.

RAD (really annoying driver): Ummm I wold like a Chicken Sandwich.

VPW (very polite worker): Alright that's a Chicken sandwich, anything else for you?

RAd: (thirty second pause): I would like a coke

VPW: Alright that's a Chicken sandwich and a coke, anything wlse for you?

RAD: (another thirty second pause) ummmmmmmmmm ....

now you see what the customer is doing here. They are mixing it up. They have back pedeled to the ummm portion of the program. This is amazing.

Usually there are only three pauses maybe four, but sometimes there will be 7 or eight pauses. Each time the person taking the order has to repeat the order and this gets kind of annoying. Mow you may say that it's no big deal. What does it matter when you are not going any where until your shift is over.

Well let me tell you that it is a big deal. Contrary to popular belief, the people inside the store do not have anything better to do other than serve you. Yes it is true that the reason that we are there is to help you, but we have to do other things. We have to do other things and when we have to stand there all morning listening to you just heeem and haw about what you are going to order, well it cuts into the time we spend making prep and cleaning the store etc. But there is another thing. Most stores have a service goal. They have a time limit to get customers in and out of a Drive thru. Do you know how hard it is to sit there and listen to someone try to make up their mind about what they want to order when you have a clock that is ticking over your head? When you see that they have spend two min at the box and have not even finished the order? These times effect people. They effect bonuses and pay and even if people keep their job. But by all means, don't worry. As long as your fat ass can sit in your car and be comfortable while I sweat and run harder because you are a dumb ass will keep me warm at night when I am worried about keeping my job. :)

How many people can go in the room again? I can't really remember!

Dear America,

  Why do you feel the need to tell me something fifteen times? I got it the first time when I said thank you!

    Love always

       Brian

   So Thursday was a rather productive day for me. I went to work and was very happy as I was going to be going to Ga to visit family the next day. Being the person that I am I had a list of things to do, and a timeline in which to do them. (I know this is very Monica of me, and I have actually been given a new nickname due to this fact.. I am now known as Moss... Monica and Ross together....) Anyway I finished at work and went home to get ready to run my errands. My bestie came over and we started our adventure. We got about thirty min into it when the first curve ball was thrown into the mix.

 Our other bestie was in labor. She was having the baby! HOLY CRAP! So on the way to the hospital, we had to get something to eat and we did that. After this was accomplished i started my mini melt down. My schedule had been thrown out the window. Now if you know me you know that I am a typical Virgo. I have to have plans. I need to know where we are going, when we will get there and about how long we will be there. If I do not know this it is a little hard for me. So with a friend in labor, and a friend by my side I knew that I would be able to make it. 

  When we got to the hospital we had to find the area where our friend was. This sounds easy, but it is not. Once we got to the labor ward, we had to call to get in. Now I understand this, and I know that it is for the protection of the babies and the mothers, but it is a little unnerving when one of your best friends is in labor. It was at this point when we reached our first little hiccup in the road.

  I picked up the phone to call the desk to be let in, and talked to a very lovely person. This is a little how the conversation went.

  LP: "Hello how can i help you?"

Me: "I am here to see my friend who is having a baby...."

LP:"Well we have a lot of people back here having babies at the moment what would her name be?"

   It was at this point that I looked at the phone is shock. I had not finished speaking and I had been cut off so that the nurse could be rude. This was not good. I gave the name of my friend and then we went into the ward.  Now it was at this point that we were told that only three people were allowed in the room. I looked at my two friends and asked the nurse... does the mother count cause she makes three? The nurse informed me that no the mother did not count but that the father did and so when he came back up we would have to leave. At this point every time someone came into the room we were told that only three people can be in the room. When we left they told us that only three people could be in the room and when we came back they told us that only three people can be in the room. It was at this point that I asked one of the nurses how many people could be in the room. She did not like that.

  But this brings up lots of questions america. If the mother has twins, does the father have to leave. If they have triplets do both the parents have to leave? When John and Kate had their kids, did some of the kids have to leave? Did they make a schedule to see which kids could stay in the room? Did they have multiple rooms?

 Apparently only three people can be in the room at one time. And I am really glad that the nurses told me this at every chance that they could. If they had not told me this maybe a vortex to another world would have opened and some kind of horrible creature would have been released. 

  All I am saying is that you only have to tell me once, and I will get it.

Must you stay seated,is that what Jesus would do?

Dear America,

     Isn't the polite thing to do to stand up and let someone pass? That's what momma told me when I was young.

   Love Always

        Brian

  So today I had one of my first big boy adventures. I flew all by myself. I have been wanting to come to Georgia to visit some of my family and I just have not felt like driving, so I decided to fly. It would cost me about the same so i decided it was no big deal and I would just do it. So I booked the flight and found a good and wonderful friend to take me to the airport. We had a fun adventure at 5am trying to find the Sanford airport. Map quest will give you some seriously back woods roads to travel on. 

  We found the airport and I got checked in with time to spare. So we had a little breakfast and spent some quality time with my best friend. When it was time for her to leave we hugged and there were promises of I will text when we land and all that jazz. This was when the adventure truly began. It started with the seating of the plane. Now all of us who have flown before know that when you go to board the plane that they are going to call the rows from the back up. This way you are not falling all over each other to get onto the plane. Well as I patiently waited to be seated, I was watching a family wait to get on the plane. The flight attendant went through the whole process of telling us who would board and how it would be. Well this family that was standing by the gate kept getting upset that they were not being allowed to get on the plane. The mother was motining and making all this noise about how she really needed to get on the plane. Now my first thought was that we all need to get on the plane. None of us have booked this flight because we want to just sit in the termanal and wait to get on the plane. We want to get where we are going. Getting on the plane is not going to get you there any faster. You can't go anywhere until everyone is on the plane, so what is the sense in getting mad. 

  As they called my section to get on the plane, I passed this family as the mother huffed and slammed her bags onto the ground. Then she said what I seem to hear a lot these days. "It's because we are black!). It was at this point that I wanted to point out to her that it was not because she was black, but because she was in a row that had not been called yet. There is no black or white about it. You are in a row and that is where you are going to sit. End of story... Plus come on lady, your 4 year old is handling this better than you are.

 As I got on the plane and looked to find my seat I was feeling pretty grown up and proud. Here I was having a real big boy experience. Look at me world, all on my own! Brian is getting his! WOOT. So once I placed my carryon in the over head compartment, I turned to my seat mate and said "Excuse me, how are you today?" Now my momma told me to always be polite (as a matter of fact, both mothers and both fathers always told me this, and this is the one lesson that has always stuck with me. That and never to take any wooded nickels.) So I try to be kind and nice. If it is good enough for Jesus then it is good enough for me. Well apparently seatmate never got this from her mother. She looked at he, letting her glasses slide down to the tip of her nose, and pursed her lips at me. As I was wondering where she had gotten the lemon that she must have been sucking on to make this face, she slid her legs out about a quarter of an inch and went back to talking on her cell phone. It was at this point that I went from big boy to little boy.

   I was a little bit put out. So I decided that since I was put out, she would have to be put out to. So what did I do you ask? I will tell you. I put my butt out. That's right folks. As I slid across to get to my seat, I stuck my butt out as far as it would go so that it would be right in her face. I stuck it right there, and I know that she  could not help but see it, cause I have a very large budunck a dunk.  She didn't say anything, but as I sat down and got out my Vanity Fair to read, I smiled at her and told her that I hoped that she would enjoy the flight.

 Now you may ask me, what did this accomplish. Well apart from giving me a little satisfaction, and my next blog entry, I got the satisfaction of seeing her politely stand and help the next person who came to sit down. So you see sometimes a random act of obnocisousness can help teach a lesson.

  Next time: Did you know that there are only three people allowed in the room?

It really does cost extra.

Dear America,

Why are you shocked when you have to pay extra for something that is not included? Man up and pay the fifty cents.

Love,

Brian

I have noticed lately that people are shocked when they have to pay extra for something. Yesterday a woman wanted to add Jelly to her sausage Biscuit, now first I was the one who should have been shocked because when I think sausage I so not think jelly. I think Mustard, ketchup, mayo, but not Jelly. I informed this woman (after i had vomited a little in my mouth) that it would be fifty cents for the jelly. She looked at me like I had just shot her cat. I mean seriously, I do not think that she could have been more shocked if I had her dead cat in my hand and I smacked her in the face with it. Once she closed her mouth and stopped blinking (and I am not even kidding) she proceeded to go off like no one before her.

Shocked Cat lady who wants Jelly: "What do you mean it's fifty cents. Why do I have to pay fifty cents for Jelly. When I go to McDonalds, I do not have to pay extra for ketchup. I mean why can't i just put a little jelly on my sausage biscuit? I mean what do I have to do to get some jelly, I just don't understand....."

It was at this point that I really just wanted to scream at her... you have to pay fifty cents you crazy physco cat lady!!!! SERIOUSLY!

It was at this point that I just gave her the stupid Jelly. I just couldn't stand to hear her talk about the stupid Jelly for one more moment. She didn't even say thank you.

But let me tell you something America. You have to pay for product. Now there are things that people do not have to pay for, but in fact, you really are paying for them. The reason that you do not have to pay for extra ketchup at McDonalds, is that everyone gets ketchup on their burgers. It already comes on it, so it is built into the price. The reason that jelly is not free, is that not everyone gets jelly on their sausage biscuit. So if I want to order the Jelly so that you can have it, you have to pay for it. You see, things are not free. I find it silly that I have to pay for something that falls from the sky (water).

So I guess what I am getting at is that things are not free. If you want to buy something you have to pay for it. Other than that, it's called a gift or stealing.