Put down your Starbucks cup, nobody cares!

Dear America,

Put down your starbucks cup, nobody cares! I also don't care that your purse is a Fendi!

Love,

Brian

A friend of mine made a comment about starbucks cups on facebook. She mentioned that it was stupid that people held their cups up to their cheeks so that everyone can see that they are drinking starbucks. This got me to thinking....

I have come to a conclusion. I DON'T CARE! I know that you are drinking coffee, but I do not care if it is from Starbucks, Caribou , Dunkin Donuts, or the 7-11. I just don't care. I am in the habit of sometimes holding my cup up to my cheek. I used to do this when I would have my coffee in the morning driving to work. It was early and I lived in Atlanta. It was cold and the coffee warmed me up. Once the heat went on and the car was nice and toasty, I would put the coffee in my cup holder, but I had a reusable mug so you did not know where my coffee came from. People should not know where I got my coffee. I do not go to starbucks because Brittany Spears does...believe me I do not do anything because she does. I mean if that were the case I would be walking out of bathrooms barefoot eating delicious snack foods. If you see me walking around a mall with a starbucks in hand it is because I wanted a cup of coffee not to be cool.

Also I have a sidekick, not because it is on 90210, not because Lindsay Lohan had one a while back, but because I like the phone. It is the best phone I have ever had, and I love that the screen flips up. I do on occasion drive with it in my hand and my hand is next to my face, but that is how I drive. (I haven't figured out how to make the phone give me an alert when I get text messages so I have to sometimes hold it when I am waiting for a response...... But I never text while I drive! ) So put down your phones and your cups of coffee because no one cares.

While we are on the topic, it is really tacky to wear a shirt that has the name of the company on it. It is not so bad if it is little, and really not all that bad if it is a sports company (although it is still a little tacky), but if you are wearing Prada, Channel, Armani, etc etc etc.... you should not wear a shirt that has the name splashed across your chest. Lets face it, you are advertising for the company, and you are paying them to let you advertise for them.

When I was in High School, Mossimo was huge ( I am not sure if I am spelling this right). One of my favorite memories from high school is of my french teacher telling a student how stupid he was for wearing a shirt that said Mossimo on it. He argued with her that it was cool and that all of the kids wear it. She asked him if he knew what it meant and he said no. She told him that it was a French douche! He turned so red and took the shirt off. (he had an undershirt on) Later he told a friend that he got rid of all his Mossimo stuff. I cannot believe that he feel for that. Obviously to anyone with a brain Mossimo is an Italian name. It doesn't even sound french. Of course the teacher was just making a point. (I should not be suprised, as the same guy gave a report about the hunch back of Notre Dame for french class and talked about the talking gargoyles and how he thought it was an interesting touch and that he liked the happy ending. He totally watched the Disney movie, which is nothing like the book!)

I just do not understand how people buy these ridiculous things. I believe it is the Berkin bag that costs 5,000 dollars. There is something like a three year waiting list to get one. People shell out all this money just for a bag. Just so that they can walk around and be cool. Coach has a 1,600 bag that looks like a quilt. It is perhaps the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life. It is all mismatched and stupid. Yet people pay all this money for it. I once worked with a woman who won 1,000 in the lottery. She bought a Louis Vitton bag. Now anyone who has half a brain knows that in French you do not pronounce the last letter in a word. So Louis Vitton is actually pronounced, Loui Vitto, with a long O. She walked all over our work place talking about her new Louis Vitton, just pronouncing the heck out of the s and the n. How are you going to spend 1,000 dollars on something that you cannot even say! I mean seriously. People who call Gucci, Gukki, and pay all this money.

Now I wear Ralph Lauren I love Ralph Lauren I have the Polo hat, the boxers, the shirts, socks, the wallet and the pants. I even had the sweater. I wear it because I like it. Not because someone has told me to wear it, not because Rachel Greene from Friends worked there, not because Brad Pitt wears it, but because I like it. The hat is my favorite and fits me well. The boxers are the most comfortable I have ever worn. LOVE THE SHIRTS! LOVE THE PANTS! But you will never catch me wearing a shirt that has POLO in huge letter across my chest. I will always wear the little pony.

I guess I just don't get it. I also don't understand why you have to spend 16,000 on a birthday party or why your 16 year old deserves to drive a Mercedes SL 500. But I was born with common sense. I never received a car for my birthday and then told my parents that I wanted a different one. A kid I went to High School with did that. He did not like the fully loaded all leather interior brand new 1996 Ford Explorer that his parents gave him for his birthday (that he did not have to pay for). No he told them that he wanted a jeep wrangler instead. AND THEY BOUGHT IT FOR HIM! You want to know how this would have played out in my house?

Dad: Happy birthday! We got you a car!

Me: Ummm that's not the one I wanted. Can I get a different one?

Dad: Sure we can trade it in for a brand new 1996 NOTHING! Any color you want.

My dad would have taken the car away so fast my head would have spun. But my parents didn't buy me a new car, I drove the 1984 Jeep that my sisters drove before me and my Dad bought when I was 5. But I loved that car. I looked just as good in my clothes from sears as the kids who wore Mossimo.... the French douche.

So here is the lesson America. You may spend 5,000 for a purse, but your shit still stinks!

Sometimes you just don't know.

Dear America,

Do you realize that sometimes when you are mean to people there are consequences? Just thought you should know.

Love,

Brian

So I was talking to a friend tonight and we were remembering all the fun that we had when we worked together. She always got my stupid movie quotes and we could crack on people for hours and it was all fun. She reminded me of how customers can be so rude, not that I need to be reminded, and what we used to do about it.

For one thing, if a customer was rude to me, they usually got decaf. I would never give someone caffeine if they asked for decaf, because you could actually kill someone, but they would get decaf if they ordered regular. They might get coffee that had timed out, had grounds in it, or espresso shots that had sat for a little to long. If they ordered sweet n low they got equal or splenda. They got non fat milk when they ordered whole or two percent. They always got soy when they ordered soy, because again you could hurt someone. In short they never got what they wanted, and I actually would move slower and help all the nice people I could first.

You see, yelling at someone never really works. If you go to a drive thru, and there are no napkins in your bag, what good does it do to yell at the crew member that is working the window. It might not even be their fault. Nine times out of ten the person at the window did not put your order together. So you are yelling at someone for no reason. Now I understand that you husband may have just left you, or that you are fat and ugly, these things happen. But I really don't care. If I can stand there in a little box that is really hot and listen to people say splender and still smile, you can nicely ask for napkins. You see if you do this, you might actually get what you ordered next time :)

Baby in the Corner

Dear America,

No body puts baby in the corner! Or do they?

Love

Brian

So the other day I was watching Dirty Dancing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this move! When I was little I think I wore out our copy rewinding and fast forwarding to the dance scene at the end... and thus began my love of Dancing. (Just wait for it. When Dancing with the Stars comes on.. Man you will hear it. ) Anyway I love that Movie. I love the Baby is going to save the world and that her sister is going to decorate it. I love that she carried a watermelon. I love Spaghetti Arms. I love that the sister wants to sing I feel pretty. I love that she sings that Hula song at the end and is the only one still singing when Johnny comes on the stage. I love when Baby laughs when he runs his arm down her side, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that "I think she gets it from me!" Oh that is one of my favorite lines.

But I as I was watching the movie I noticed something. When the Johnny dances with Baby at the end, we all know it. They are basically dry humping on the stage. (and it's like 1960ish so this cannot be a common thing) They get a little break from doing the fake nasty on stage and start to leave the dancing place ( I never know what to call this room) and we can only assume that they are going to do some private naked dirty dancing :) Baby's father stops them and this is what he says...

Baby Daddy: I know you didn't get Penny in trouble.

Johnny: yeah

Baby Daddy: When I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. (looks at baby) You looked wonderful out there.

(this may not be word for word, but you get the picture :)

Well not only is it kind of weird that the mother is proud that she gets it from me... but the Dad basically told his daughter that she looked really good while she was dry humping in front of hundreds of people. (or tens of thirties of people.. not sure how many guests were there, and lets face it it's the 60's so the black people and the staff don't count)..but that's not even the kicker folks....

The Dad does not say he is wrong! He never really says sorry to Johnny! He just kind of looks at him as if to say... "In the real world I would never let you touch my daughter, but this is hollywood so I have to! PUNK" He then goes over and hugs Penny the woman who had the bad abortion. He never looked down on her did he? It was all Johnny's fault. But it just kills me that he says that when he is wrong he says it and then never says it. I mean I love this movie and have found hours of entertainment with the "I carried a Watermelon" line. Would you believe that I have spent hours thinking of this scene . Watching and looking and seeing if he ever really apologizes. But he doesn't. But you do get to see a lady with really pointy breasts get mad and leave the room... and you get to see Emily Gilmore in a tight dress bump and grind with a guy. it's pretty cool.

So if the father didn't admit that he was wrong, does that mean that sometimes you can put Baby in the Corner? Just a thought.

Cars!!!!!!!

Dear America,

Learn how to drive!!!!!

Love ,

Brian

It has come to my attention that I must not have payed much attention to my instructor when I learned to drive. I know that it has been thirteen years since I took my drivers test, and I did fail the first time, (but I chalk this up to the incredibly long Purple Mazda 626 that I took my test in, and the fact that my instructors dentures were loose and making a clicking sound the whole time). So I either missed some rules or they have changed in the years since I have taken my test. Shall we take a look at these rules and see how they have changed over the years.

When I took my drivers test it was my understanding that there was a fast lane and there was a slow lane. The slow lane was for going the speed limit or slower and the fast lane was for passing. Apparently what has happened in the last few years the rules have changed. There is no fast or slow lane. Everyone just drives as fast as they want, and when you want to pass someone you have to get as close to them as you can before you change lanes. This could be looked at as a game of chicken, but in a game of chicken you are driving towards each other. Since on the normal road people drive in the same direction, you have to come up behind someone to do this, so I like to call this game butt chicken.

I was taught to always use my blinker. This lets other drivers know what direction you are going. If you want to switch lanes, or maybe make a turn you would have to turn on your blinker. The drivers in the other lane would either stop to let you turn....as they are behind you... or if they are in the lane next to you they would slowdown so that you could make your turn. Apparently now you are supposed to speed up and honk your horn. There is also a wonderful new hand gesture that people use. The driver will hold up their hand and extend their middle finger. Being the optimist that I am, I like to think that this is a driver wishing me good luck in my endeavor. I have to admit that by the looks on the drivers faces and the fact that they are shouting that they are most likely not wishing me good luck on my turn.

I also saw a driver at a red light did a most incredible thing today. When I was learning how to drive, I was told that when you came to a red light you were to stop. Usually traffic moves in one direction, which is what we use the traffic lights for. It tells people when to stop. Now today, this driver stopped at a red light and decided that he needed to turn left. As I understand it, you should go straight and at the first opportunity, you make your turn. The rule must have changed as the driver put his car in reverse and backed up until he could get into the turn lane, actually he was not in the turn lane, he was in the middle of the road.

I know that these are not the new rules of the road. So listen up America, drive correctly. The rules of the road are to be followed. They are not suggestions, they are rules. Rules that if not followed correctly can kill someone. I know that I sound weird. I sound like someone who is a nerd or a square. I do follow the speed limit, and I use my blinker, If I miss my turn, I continue to go down the road and turn around as soon as I can. I do this so that I will not kill myself or someone else......

As always,

Love Brian.

ps. I also do not ride with a baby in my lap or with the car seat in the front of my car. Just sayin.

What did we ever do before Cell Phones?

Dear America,

What did we ever do before cell phones? How did we ignore those that stood before us? What would Emily Post say?

Love

Brian

I know that I have ranted on this before, but today was just one of those days. Now I have to admit that I was already in a mood when I got to work. All of my girl friends are on their cycle, so you know that I am not far behind. Well it hit me with a vengeance this morning. It must be the heat of the drive thru or it could be that I am just a bitch for three days a month.

Anyway, as I stood in my little heated box today and took order after order a new pattern began to emerge. There was the lady that ordered the Medium Iced Latte light with three splenda, skim milk and extra ice. She was on the phone with one of her friends, happily talking while she drove around. When she pulled up to the window, she had her hand held out with her money in it, even before I had made it back to the window with said latte in hand. I always want to grab their arms and pull down and then scream JACKPOT like I was playing a slot machine. She then informed me that she had requested Whip Cream on her latte. Well I put the whip cream on, but really wanted to tell her that if she would get off the phone and listen as I read back her order, we might be able to make her drink right.

Then there was the woman in the lovely bright Purple truck. Now this car was something to behold. It was a color that looked like it came about from Barney fornicating with a teenage girls pink bedroom. The best part was that you could see that the paint job was not so good and was peeling in places. (Obviously the rather manly truck was rejecting the paint job. ) This wondrous woman, proceeded to hand me only two dollars for her 2.65 ticket, and then talk on the phone. When she was done she hung up and looked at me as if to say... "Where is my food fool." I politely told her that she owed me 65 cents, and then she whipped out a twenty and snatched back the two dollars.

The cell phone is not the only thing that is rude. There were the people who when I handed them their drink said things like... "I DID NOT ORDER THAT!".. "What the hell is this?" and my favorite.... " I ordered Chocolate Covered Donuts with sprinkles and you gave me vanilla... When you open the box there are four chocolate covered donuts with sprinkles..to which the woman replied.... " Well what I wanted were chocolate donuts with sprinkles..... I have never seen a donut like that...

Would it be so horrible to say... "I'm sorry I think that there has been a mistake. I think that I received the wrong donuts. " I am pretty sure that a persons head would not explode. The world would not stop spinning and people would not spontaneously combust. I can tell you that the drive thru technician might just smile at you. ( A man did say that today and I smiled and gave him four donuts for free).

You see when people are nice to you, sometimes they are nice back. You will get more with kindness than you will with anger. I can tell you one thing... I have never given decaf to a person who was nice to me, but I know of at least four people who ordered regular coffee that got decaf today ;)

ps. To the woman that parked really far away from the window, if you heard my rant about having to reach all the way to Egypt to give you your drinks.... I am really sorry and lets just chalk it up to a boy who is on his period. :)

Nothing Happened

Dear America,

Nothing really happened today.

Love,

Brian

So nothing really happened today. Could my good mood be due to the fact that the only people that I saw today were good friends? Isn't it amazing that these people we see all the time and that we talk to almost everyday can say the same things that others say and we just laugh?

For instance, Kacey is my best friend. If she wanted coffee and asked for Splender, I would only smile. Why is that? Is it because I feel that because I know her she deserves a pass? She knows my pet peeves, she knows for instance that I believe the salt and pepper belong on the stove. Why you may ask? Well when you cook you need salt and pepper. So they belong on the stove. That is their home, in my mind that is where they are most comfortable. If they are on the stove, they are eaiser to find. I cannot understand how I came to this conclusion as no one in my family keeps the salt and pepper on the stove, but I do. Kacey knows this and she understands this. To others, they go nuts. All of my college roommates could not understand this, and I do not think that any roommates I have had since college have understood this, with the exception of Kacey. Others would fight and argue and move the salt and pepper. It would drive them crazy that I would move it back, but not Kacey. She would smile, make a joke, and put it back. Do I get a pass because I speak Kacey?

Why is it that sometimes random people can push our buttons. All of my past observations and rants on this blog have delt with strangers. With the way they speak and the way that they act. Some were rants that were well deserves...who calls a donut Barbarian Cream..... and some not so much....Do you really need that muffin..... but they were all strangers that bothered me.

If one of my best friends came into my store and snatched money out of my hand, said that they needed something or stood in line for 15 min while they decided what they wanted, I would have no problem. Is it love? Maybe. It could be that I can do to my family and friends what I want when I am done. You see when the lady who orders the barbarian cream donut orders, I have to smile and hand her the donut. I have to keep a strong hand on Brianna Ross as she wants to say... "

You FOOL! Do you even hear what you are saying. You know what, no donut for you! Stupid

people cannot have donuts.!"

I cannot say this to Ms Whatshername, but i can call my friend up and make fun of them for their slip up. I can go home and hit them upside the head and say

"Seriously! You felt the need to stand there for 15 min trying to figure out what you wanted. Is our wall o donuts to extensive for you? Is there too much choice, cause I can pair it down for you. You know what, you can only choose between glazed and chocolate glazed!"

Could you imagine what would happen if I said that to a customer? It would almost be worth it. :) So I guess we have come to the conclusion that it could be love, or it could be the simple fact that I can do to my friends what I can't do to my customers :)

UFC Fighting and Wrestling

Dear America,

Why is it that when two men are in the same room the talk about UFC fighting or wrestling? How is this not gay?

Love

Brian

The other night I went with my friend Kacey to cut some hair. This happens from time to time, and as I am her fearless sidekick, I go where I am needed. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, there was the standard guy greeting when we walked in...

"Hey Man." "Hey , sup?"

So we walked into the room ,and everyone was very friendly. I do not usually have good experiences with guys, they often bully me or in general make me feel uncomfortable. Coming from a family of mostly girls, I just don't know how to deal with guys. But these guys were pretty cool so there was nothing to fear. I went and sat down with Taylor (Kacey's daughter) and watched her do her Hair diva thing.

So as Kacey cut hair I sat back and did what I am supposed to do as the faithful sidekick. I observed. Everyone in the room knew each other, so it was a lot of what are you doing this weekend, and he did this and she did that. I was content to sit and watch as I like to watch people. It's like watching animals in the zoo and this can be fun.

It was at this point that the strange male bonding ritual happened. They began talking about UFC fighting. As a male I have never really understood this. I must admit that I am missing something in my DNA, or it could be that I simply have so many sisters and female cousins and friends that this part of me has not been developed. It has taken me about 28 years to develop an interest for football and the ability to watch it.

I first noticed this anomaly when I was in high school, ten years ago. Has it really been that long? I can still remember it. I was sitting in one of those lovely old desks, listing to the guys around me talk about their weekends and what parties that they were going to. ( I always seemed to sit around these guys) They started talking about Wrestling and how this man did this and that man threw this guy and this one was rolling around on the floor with that guy. It got me to thinking about how homoerotic this all was.

have you ever watched Wrestling on tv, or UFC fighting? You have two guys that are very well built... usually... and they come out onto the stage or the octagon, or the wrestling mat thing, and they look at each other. This is a very interesting and meaningful look (some of my friends say that the two wrestlers are trying to decide who the top is ). You will notice that as they are looking at each other, they have been oiled up, usually so that their hot bodies can be showed off. Usually after they have strutted around flexing and yelling at each other, they will then roll around on the floor in many different positions as they hug and hit and try to pin each other to the floor. UFC is pretty much the same, except that they beat the crap out of each other. So they are basically into pain.

My question is, how is this not gay? How can all of these guys in high school talk about this and they are not gay? The guys that did not watch all of this, were gay. It is oh so confusing. I have no desire to watch any of this. Can someone please explain to me how this works? Does this mean that I am not going to get my man card?

And then I realized..... I don't need a man card. I don't have to conform to what society wants me to be. I have a man card, God gave it to me the day I was born. You see this man card is called a penis. So no matter what happens, what i watch on tv or what I wear, I am a man, and there is really nothing that anyone can do about it.

Poor Doobie

Dear America,

Who knew not putting water in a dogs bowl could be so entertaining?

Love

Brian

Last night my friend and I went to another friends house. We were really just looking to hang out and have a little down time. As our friend was not home, but her kids were we decided to just hang and see what would happen. I can tell you know that we were very happy that we did.

As often happens with teenagers, the video games came out. So as we watched Rock Band, an odd thing happened. We kept hearing a noise in the kitchen. Now I have to admit that I get a little mesmerized by rock band. The music, the colors and the rhythm kind of get me. I can't help it, I just get sucked in. So I was suprised when my friend Kacey tapped me on the arm and asked me a question.

Kacey: "Is that Chair moving?"

Brian: "What are you talking about?"

kacey: "That chair! The one by the window. Is it moving? I swear that it is moving on it's own."

Now we have all been home during the afternoon. So we have all seen the show about people who encounter ghosts. So when you are in a place that you usually do not live and something happens out of the ordinary you tend to get a little scared. Kacey and I are not known for being practical when we are together. We are known for feeding off of each other, so I was surprised that we stayed calm through this endeavor.

We realized that what was happening was that Doobie the Dog was scratching at his bowl. This was causing the chair to move. Once we had established that the house was not haunted, we began to watch doobie. He would walk over to his bowl and scratch. He would then put his face into the bowl and lick. Once he had done this three times, he would then prance over to the living-room where everyone was sitting and do a little dance. Once done with the dance he would then start over again. We watched for about three times, when finally one of us said "Perhaps the dog is hungry."

When we looked into the bowl we saw that there was a bowl full of food. The dog looked so excited as we were looking at the bowl. But he did not want food. Well what was next? Water! The dog needed water. He had not had water in his bowl for sometime. As we poured water into the bowl, Doobie became very excited. Dancing on his hind legs and wagging his tail. He then drank for two min straight.

While this dog was drinking, we began a monolog of what this dog could be saying.

Doobie: "For the love of GOD someone give me some water. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I need WATER? Some one put Water in my bowl.:

As he was looking at us... "Look fool, give me water! I will cut you if you do not give me water!"

as the water was being poured into the bowl :" Thank God! Finally! YESSSSSSSS!"

Doobie finally got his water and then he laid down to take a nap. This may not be funny to many of you, but it serves a purpose. If you want to laugh till you pee, forget to put water in your dogs bowl.

Julia helped me find my path.

Dear America,

Did you ever think you would be following a woman that was so in love with butte?!

Love,

Brian

I do not always have to have a rant. It may seem to many of you out there that all I do is rant. Well this is far from the truth. I am not saying that I don't occasionally get onto my soap box , but I am after all a Hitchcock and that is what we seem to be known for. Also, I have not had anytime off since I started this blog, but now I have had three days off and I have to say that there have not been that many ranting explosions issued forth from my mouth. I have had moments, when someone forgets to use their blinker and before I can stop myself "You stupid pin head. Do they not use blinkers where you come from? Is it too much work to flip the blinker stick? (yes this is what I call it) Will it burn too many calories for you fat ass to turn on the blinker?" but as I have not had to listen to 15,000 people repeatedly say splender (yes you will hear about this for the rest of my life) then I do not have much to rant about.

So today I will be talking about my new found love for Julia Child. How did this happen you may ask? Well i decided that I needed some me time. I needed to get away from it all. So my usual course of action is to go see a movie. I am not a big go see the movie with a bunch of people kind of guy. I get annoyed when people talk to me, ask me questions, or want to make observations about the movie. I have a select group of people that I can see a movie with at any point and time, but they have all been extensively trained by me as to how to act when I go to a movie.

Today I decided I would go see Julia and Julie. I was not disappointed. From the moment we see Maryl Streep as Julia Child, you forget that she is Maryl, she become Julia. I loved seeing Julia dare people to tell her she could not do something. She would not take no for an answer, and repeatedly did things as she saw fit. She loved her husband, and wanted only to enjoy the life that she would have with him.

I was inspired by this woman. I was also inspired by Julie, or should I say I knew what it was like to be Julie. To feel that you have no direction in your life, that everyone around you is succeeding and you are not. To feel a desire to have more than what you have. She talked of living in Queens over a pizza place, and I talk of living in my fathers house once again. She worked in a job where she felt she was making no difference, and I feel the same. How many times can you put a donut in a bag in one day?

What makes these two women the new loves of my life? The refused to be put into a box. They dared to figure out what they needed from the world and took it. Julia Child worked on her cookbook for years. She must have rewritten that thing many times, but she never stopped. She never felt sorry for herself, and if she did she promptly stopped. The same for Julie. She cried and fussed and laughed and fought. What she realized is that she is human. So when she cried because the stuffing fell out of the dunk, she wasn't crying about the stuffing. She was crying because life is hard. Life is confusing and will send you in a million different directions. No one ends up where they set out to be. If they did, then they are lying. Life is to random. To exciting , to hard. You cannot follow a list. You cannot walk in a straight line. You cannot live in a box. All you can do is travel your own path. It will go uphill, will turn to the left and right. It will be rocky and it will be smooth, but it will be your path. You are the only one that can travel it. You are the only one that can walk it correctly. Why you may ask. Why can't I walk the path that my friends are walking? Because that is their path. You may walk right beside them, but you are not walking their path. So walk the way that you want to America. It's your path, enjoy it.

Could you BE anymore lazy?

Dear America,

How lazy have we become? We can't get out of our cars, and we cannot even finish our sentences. It's not that hard and I promise you will not die!

Love always
Brian

Yesterday while at work I was on the drive thru. I actually spent most of the morning on sandwhiches which was different for me as I usually work Drive thru. Apparently I am a Drive thru wonder? Who knew? Anyway I spent the latter part of my shift on Drive thru and once again I was confronted with the wonderment that is America. Customers would pull up to the order box and say... " I need a large 16 sugars and 13 creams." They would then drive up to the window. They then got mad at me when I asked them what their drink was. "I ordered a LARGE with 16 SUGARS and 13 CREAMS! Is that so hard?"

I then had to smile and politely ask them.. well do you want hot coffee, iced coffee, a latte, iced latte, frozen coffe beverage....

You see it is at this point in time that the evil diva that lives in me wants to come out. When I was first working at Starbucks one of my fellow Shift Supervisors told me that she loved to work with me. When i asked her why she told me that she never knew who she would be working with that day. Please to explain I said, and she did.

Andreniese: "You see we have a name for you when you deal with difficult customers We call you Brianna Ross! When you are dealing with nice customers we call you Brionce."

Brian: "WHAT?!"

Andreniese: "Yep. You see when a difficult customer comes in and you deal with them ( or a difficult partner) you get this air about you. You seem to change before our eyes. You stand taller and this look comes over your face. The customer can see it too, and we enjoy watching them squirm. You let them know who is boss, and that just because they are the customer it does not mean that they are right. We love it.

Brian: "interesting".

So when people are to lazy to finished thier sentences and get mad at me because I do not know what they want, it is not Brian they are dealing with, but Brianna Ross. This diva that lives in me does not understand how people can be like this. Is it so hard to say coffee? Is it this word that we have to go to school for 15 years to learn to say. Do we spend Elemantary school on just learning the letters, Middle school on sounding it out and high school on saying it all togehter and writing it down? It's not that hard. My niece can go into a resturaunt and order off of a menu and say each and every word that needs to be said. She goes not say, I want a meduim rare with mustard, ketchup, mayo on the side and no tomatoe. She tells the server that she wants a hamburger.

And yes, I do know that you want 16 sugars and 13 creams. How may you ask? It's because you have not a tooth in your head, or if you do they are a bit rotten, and you are a fat cow! This is what Brianna Ross wants to say. And while we are ranting about Drive thru... do not come through and ask for 15 seperate orders. This is just WRONG! Drive thru is supposed to be fast! There is no way you can do that many orders in three min. You are going to get parked anyway, so you should just come inside. I can understand why people who are traveling come thru, I understand if you are in a hurry, (but if you are running late to work you should not stop. It is not my fault that you are going to be late. And stopping to get something to eat or drink is going to take some time.) I understand if you have your kids and you are by yourself. Just don't be so lazy America. Is it going to kill you to walk three feet to a door open in and walk inside to order. I can see it now....

Brianna Ross: "DAMN"

Shaquwna: "girl what happen"

Brianna Ross: " This lady was coming in and I guess walking across the parking lot was too much for her. That bitch done died."

This is what goes through my head every day. It has come to the point that I do not want to go to the drive thru anymore because I view it as lazy. So America, just get out of your cars and finish your sentences. And while we are at it you might want to brush you teeth.

Why do you call it coolwhip?

Dear America,
There is a difference between coolwhip and whipped cream. You cannot put coolwhip on a latte!

Love Always,
Brian

So I guess you could say this goes along with Splender and all those wonderful words that I have talked about over the years. It just bafles my mind that people of the world call whipped cream coolwhip. Seriously. There are many many differnces. I know that you can put whipped cream on a piece of pie, and that you can put coolwhip on a piece of pie, but just because you can put two things onto one thing does not mean that they are interchangeable. Let us make an illustration shall we?

You can put lemon in tea, and you can put milk in tea, but you would not call milk lemon and lemon milk. If we did this it would get a little crazy. There is no milk tree and when you milk a cow lemon does not shoot out...even though this would be kind of cool. Might hurt the cow though. You can play a record and you can play a cd, but you cannot play a cd on a record player. There fore they are not interchageable. It just does not sound so good. That is really another one of my pet peeves, when people of an older generation call cd's records. It is not. And Ice box. I know that once long ago the refrodgerator was called an ice box because you put ice in top of it to keep your food cold. This is no longer the case. These are two different machines that do the same job. So we should call them what they are.

You may ask what is the big deal about coolwhip. Why can't I put it on my latte? Well we don't have it! That is the big reason. Also whipped cream comes out of a can (unless you are The Barefoot Contessa and make it the traditional way) and there fore it goes into the cup eaiser. Coolwhip has to be scouped out, and is often in a very bulky shape and size and will not fit into the size cups most places have. It just does not work that way.

While we are on this rant, just because a place of business has a drive thru does not mean that they serve coke products or breakfast/lunch food. I can remember one day at work at Starbucks when someone drove into the drive thru and ordered a steak biscut. SERIOUSLY! He was shocked when I politely informed him that we did not have breakfast food (they do now, but then we did not). He wanted to know why we did not serve breakfast food. Why do you not have burgers and fires? I am very confuesd. Well sir...it's a coffee shop. Coffee.

So America, thake a min to stop, think and read the menu. You may see that there is not something on it. And let me just inform you of this... Most businesses tend to put all of thier products onto the Drive thru menu. We do not hide food in the back for those speical people that guess them. So if you do not see a delicious breakfast treat on the menu, we do not have it. So stop asking me if you can get fries with that, if we have coke, if we have hamburgers and such. This is not Burger King, and you cannot have it your way!

Did you really feel the need to say that?

Dear America,

Can't we all just get along?

Love

Brian

So some of this is of a rather personal nature. I am not looking for sympathy just needing to vent.

Why must we say things to each other that really hurt us? I am sure that we do not always mean them to hurt, but they do all the same. What am I talking about you ask? here are some examples.....

My dad does to parent teacher night when I am 15 or 16... Meets my teachers. Tells them all in my presence that I am a lazy student and you have to watch me because I will never get any of my work done. Gets into an argument with my English teacher because she tells him that I am her best student and that I should be in honors student. My dad just continues to argue that I am worthless.... same with French teacher, math teacher, writing teacher...after writing teacher I refuse to let my father meet anymore of my teachers. My french teacher told me that she just wanted to take me home cause she felt like I was a puppy that was repeatedly being kicked.

I received my my report card in 11th grade. 3.8 average... all A's one B. What does my father say to me? Good job I am so proud of you? ..... nope. "Why didn't you get an A in math? You got a B? I can't believe you got a B in Math. You really need to study harder. You are so lazy. I cannot believe this, a B in math...." I had 1 A the semester before in English and an A in French.. a C in math and B's in the rest. Brought every grade on my report card up, and that is all he could say.

When playing baseball as a kid, I never hit the ball far enough, never ran fast enough, never threw hard enough. I played soccer third grade year, won most improved for the season, my dad told me that he wished I played baseball like I played soccer.

It's the story of my life... You are lazy, that was stupid, that grade is not high enough, I can't come to your honors ceremony because I don't have a babysitter and I don't want your sister to have to sit through something like that... aren't you getting a little fat? You got into UF, really? Didn't see that coming!

Now let me clarify something. When I was a little boy my dad told me he loved me on a daily basis. He would spend 4 hours of his weekend, every weekend, on the road traveling between two towns so that I could spend time with him. He called me all the time to talk to me and took an interest in what I was doing. I was fed and clothed, and loved. So my dad loves, me and I get that. I do not want to be ungrateful, but at some point in my life I began to feel as if I was a failure.

One of my friends recently told me that I am funny, that I have a kind heart, that I am smart, attractive and a great friend to have. I had a hard time believing her. I do however believe people when they tell me I am stupid, fat, ugly, and boring. I think my father meant well, but I just don't think he can ever really see that as a kid who worshiped the ground he walked on it hurt 50 times more when he said the things he said to me, and at some point it seems that the good started to out weigh the bad. Someone once told me that I should not be so sensitive. That i should understand that my dad doesn't really mean what he says. My reply to that..... He should not say it then!

I don't care who you are and what you have done. If you do not mean what you are saying then do not say it. Think about what you are saying before you say, and if there is a nicer way to say it then say it that way. My father meant well... he had good intentions, but that does not always mean that it is right. The road to hell and all that. I am sure that Joan Crawford had good intentions when she hit her daughter with that wire hanger (and I am not saying my dad abused me) but I do not see every one hitting their kids with hangers.

So just think before you speak.

Put down your cell phone before I gut you like a PIG!

Dear America,

Must we talk so much on our phones? Is it that hard to go five min without talking on your cell phone? Could you possibly order your food before you make the call? And take that stupid blinky bluetooth out of your ear before I shove it where the sun is not supposed to shine!

Love,

Brian

So this one goes way back for me. Long long ago in a kingdom not so far away there were subjects who actually talked to each other in person. If they had something to say they might write you a letter, or maybe they would wait until they saw you in person to tell you. They would sometimes call on the phone, but only when they were at home and all work had been done. Then an evil enchantress (who wore glasses, a nice up do and some really nice suits that she charged to the tax payers through campaign donations...and said you betcha a lot,) introduced the cell phone. (doesn't she have a saucy wink?)

Everyone thought that this was a wonderful idea. We can talk to our friends all the time now. If I have an emergency I can call for help right away. Oh this is wonderful. Alas, people did not used these new cell phones to call friends and family in case of emergency. No, they used them to tell Kiki that Brittany told Rhoda, that Shelby saw Dina talking to Rachel who we all know is a triffelen heffea! Shooooooo! Ever so slowly kindness and common courtesy left the kingdom. The sun went dark and all was thrown into chaos. The evil enchantress (who also like to ride her broom into the air so that she could shoot wolves from the air) smiled with glee. Her plan had worked and now she could take over the kingdom. You see the hero could not hear the cry of the masses as he had forgotten to take his bluetooth out before he went swimming and his eardrums had burst from the electric shock.....(some say that is was the evil enchantresses warlock friends fault as he had used a new type of torture ....water-boarding... on our fair hero..... Allegedly) All was lost and there was no one to save the people of this fair kingdom......

So kids, what have we learned from this story. Probably nothing. You see no one can put down their cell phones long enough to read this blog. How do I know this you may ask. Let me tell you :)

I have worked in a little thing we like to call customer service for probably the last ten years. It has been my joy and delight to be a part of what I like to call The Dance of the cell phone! You see what you must do is go up to a counter and talk to a sales person. Now some partners like to start the dance with a solo, by this I mean they are already talking on their cell phones.... which is the first step in our dance, others will come up to the counter and begin conversation with the sales associate and move ever so eloquently into the first step of the dance by answering their phones. This step can be managed by digging in a purse, but the more experienced dancer will do the legendary finger hold. This is a synchronized move in which the dancer answers the phone and at the same time with their other hand holds up their index finger to show their partner that they must stop. Then starts the part of the dance where the sales associate must bob and weave and try to get the attention of the dance partner. The dance partner or customer, must then put a nasty look on their face and totally ignore the sales associate. The dance ends with the customer hanging up their phone and either talking to or being angry with the sales associate.

Good dance! But seriously folks.....Why do you find it necessary to talk on your phones while you are ordering. Why do you apologize to your friends on the phone and talk about how the rude sales associate keeps interrupting you. I have seen people stand in line for ten min staring at the menu talking on their phones while countless people wait in line to order. Also if you have been in line for 5- 10 min, why do you not know what you want? All I can really say is that I hate people on cell phones. And I know that every now and again I do it... and always feel bad, but I apologize to the person behind the counter, not my friend

Love,

Brian

ps.. if you stick you stupid finger in my face one more time to say that you need me to hold on, I will snap that sucker off so fast and you may find a finger flying at your face! I'm just sayin.

Do you really NEED that?

Dear America,

Do you really need that coffee? What will happen if you don't get it?

Love,

Brian

Today a man walks up to the counter and says to me....

" I need a blueberry muffin".... So lets ignore the fact that he in no way responded to my charming and winning smile, to my exuberant and pleasant Good Morning, or my how are you today... We will just have to believe that he is either....

A) single and can't cook

B) has made his wife mad and she has decided to not make him a wonderful breakfast this morning.

C)running late for work because he was helping old ladies cross a busy intersection... or

D) a meanie head poopy face :)

Anyway.... this really got me to thinking.... Does he need this muffin? I know that you need air, you need to drink 8 8oz glasses of water a day, you need to respect your parents (cause they brought you into this world and they can and will take you right out of it) you also need to eat three times a day and pay your taxes.... Uncle Sam needs to get his.. OKAY?

but... do you need a blueberry muffin? I can just see it now...

MHPF: (meanie head poopy face) "I need a blueberry muffin!"

VNVPGWE(Very Nice Very Polite Generaly Wonderful Employee) : I am sorry sir but we are out of those today.... would you like a Coffee Cake Muffin instead? Or maybe you would like to try our new Barbarian Cream Donut... Bob Just loves it!"

MHPF: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!! The Horror!!!!!! (POOOOF, WOOSH, Clump)

Nancy (works with VNVPGWE) "What had happen?"

VNVPGWE:" We didn't have the blueberry muffin so he spontaneously combusted. Kind of sucks... Oh well... Can I help You?"

I do not think that if you do not get your tasty breakfast treat you will expire. You may want it, you may like to have one please, it may be nice to eat one...etc etc etc... but I do not think that this constatutes a necessity. Is the national guard going to be called out because you did not get your muffin? No. Will the national guard get called out if a Hurricane hits a major American city killing many and making many homeless... hmmmm maybe this was not a good example..(cough cough BUSH!) Anyway I think you get my point (BUSH SUCKS)... I mean... (sorry) that a latte or a muffin or something of that nature is not a need... it is a want and should be addressed as such.

Love Always :)

Brian

p.s. (my feelings for Bush are my own and I am in no way saying that you should dislike this man. I am sure he is a wonderful, husband, father and son... the jury is still out on the President thing. )

Know what you are ordering when you order it!

Dear America,

Is it really so hard to know what you want? Must you make a painful job that much more painful by not knowing what you want? Make up your freaking mind!

Love Always,

Brian

It has come to my attention that people are either just stupid or lazy, or both. I admit that I have my moments, but I try so hard to know what I want. You may ask what has set me off this time? Well let me tell you.

People say the most amazing things. As some of you know, I am employed in a retail/restaurant setting. ( I am not sure if I am allowed to use their name? So I will not) Anyway I was absolutely floored the other day, when a customer ordered a"Barbarian Cream" instead of a Bavarian Cream donut. I mean seriously does this even sound like something that would be on a menu. It could be a cool new toy at the local sex shop, but I just do not see an executive sitting in his office thinking this one up..... Lets call him Bob shall we?

Bob: "Ms. Collins, can you come in here please. " (this would be his executive assistant)

Ms. Collins: "Yes Sir"

Bob: "Ms Collins, we need a new donut for our fall 2008 line up. I have been sitting here in my office just racking my brain and I think I have come up with it! We will take a simple yeast donut, fill it with cream and put powdered sugar on it. Now for the best part my dear (Bob is slightly condescending as he must be because he is a powerful executive with mighty donut powers.).... We will call it, the BARBARIAN CREAM donut! Ladies will go crazy! Men will tremble in fear. Children will beg to buy this donut. It will be just what this economy needs! Sales will sore, jobs will be created and there will be world peace.... (okay I guess you get the point ) :)

No one would logically name something a Barbarian Cream.

Now let us take a look at a few other things my friends. A latte is espresso,(and to piggy back my friends, there is no X is espresso..so it is pronounce Espresso no EXPRESSO,) steam milk and foam. So when you order a latte, there is no reason to say " I would like 18 sugars (which people do) and extra cream. Ummmmmmm..... How do you put extra cream and or milk in a beverage that is 98.9% milk. Is there a magic up out there that can hold more than what goes in it. Is it with the silent "R"? I mean come on people.

Also a Caramel Macchiato is not pronounced Caramel Macadouchous! Is this even a word? Also there is no such thing as a grit. You can't get just one, they kind of all come together. Also just because something comes on an english muffin does not mean that you call it a McMuffin. So, I just thought you should know:)

Splender

Dear America,

There is no "R" is splenda, therefore it is pronounced Splenda, not splender!

Love,

Brian

So many people cannot understand why this one bothers me. After all I am a southerner (even if there are those out there that say Florida is not a part of the south,) and as a southerner I use words like ya'll, over yonder, aferpiece, momendems, and my two favorite of all darlin and reckon. Many understand that these are words that are cute and a part of a culture. If you have ever been to the north (as I have not) and heard of the strange conversation between a southerner and a northerner that goes a little like this....

"Excuse me darlin, ya'll got any sweet tea, or maybe just an iced tea?""

" Um, we have hot tea, but we don't serve cold tea"

":0" ----------> look of shock on a southerners face.....

(having never been to the north I have not had this conversation, but I have heard from many friends that there is a land that in fact does not serve iced or sweet tea...) you will understand how I feel when a customer asks for Splender. To me it is like nails on a chalk board...stangely enough it is not the sound of the nails on the chalkboard that drives me crazy, but the feeling when it happens. It is the same with Splender....

It is not the person that makes me cringe or roll my eyes, but the fact that someone looks at this word and sees a magical "R"... one that no one else can see. It is not silent as other letters can sometimes be, but it is invisible. I have asked my sister who majored in english at FSU ( to some a good school, but UF does hold a special place in my heart) about this special letter. I thought that maybe I had slept through this day of English 101 ( in High School and College) but Alas there is no such thing as an invisible letter.

So I guess you could say it is the confusion of the mysteriously invisible letter, or the thought that the English language has not caught onto this magically invisible letter, or it could be the fear that I will some day have to have this very frightening conversation of "no sweet tea" or no "iced tea".....

So now I hope that you can understand why I cringe when I hear the word Splender :)

Love always,

Brian

(this is for the Gay Pagan :)

p.s. It is Walmart, not walmark, Kroger not Krogers, K Mart not K Marks/ Marts

Dear America

Dear America,

So some of you know what this is all about, and some of you do not. So for those of you that do, you will have to bear with me as I explain this blog, and while I repost some of the old topics that started this whole idea.

So one day at work, got really annoyed with my customers. So what did I do? I called my friends so that I could vent, but no one was able to pick up the call. As I did not know a lot of people at work, I did not vent there. So I headed home, picked up my sisters lap top and thought to myself,

"Self what is the best course of action?"

and I answered myself....

"Duh! Post on Facebook".

When I next checked my Facebook I had received 25 comments about splenda (which was the topic of my post). This led me to post more with the headline of "Dear America" and signing "with love, Brian".... Only once did I not sign with love, and this dealt with kids, cars, parents and smoking.

So the structure of this blog will start with Dear America and my statement and then I will explain more and go into detail. Some of the time there will be stories and rants and most likely it will be random, words will be misspelled and sometimes it will not make sense, but it will be fun. Please know that this is in no way an attempt to mock or reflect badly on America, but just a funny tag-line that started on Facebook. I look forward to working on this blog and welcome any idea's or topics that people would like to talk about....

Love,

Brian :)