Stop and Go and I think I might kill someone.

Dear America,

Why must you pause or go really fast? Is there not an in-between?

Love

Brian

There is a new trend happening in America, and it's called the stop and go. Some of you may think that this is a dance or maybe a hip new mini mart, but in reality, this is the new way to order food. Now I am sure that a lot of you out there want to know how to join this hot new trend, and seeing as I work in the Food and Beverage industry and my store has a drive thru, so I have mixed feelings about telling you this. But in the spirit of the season, and my rant, I will tell you.

So you must first drive up to the order box and totally ignore the person when they speak to you. There are a few ways to do this. You can use the ummmm... which is basically just saying ummmm for a really long time or over and over again. You can just not say anything (which is my personal favorite) or you can talk on your phone and not order at all. I also like this one. Once you have finished the ignoring portion of our program, you must then move on to the real meat of the matter. The start and stop.

The start and stop is very simple. You just need to order, stop and then order again. Here is an example.

RAD (really annoying driver): Ummm I wold like a Chicken Sandwich.

VPW (very polite worker): Alright that's a Chicken sandwich, anything else for you?

RAd: (thirty second pause): I would like a coke

VPW: Alright that's a Chicken sandwich and a coke, anything wlse for you?

RAD: (another thirty second pause) ummmmmmmmmm ....

now you see what the customer is doing here. They are mixing it up. They have back pedeled to the ummm portion of the program. This is amazing.

Usually there are only three pauses maybe four, but sometimes there will be 7 or eight pauses. Each time the person taking the order has to repeat the order and this gets kind of annoying. Mow you may say that it's no big deal. What does it matter when you are not going any where until your shift is over.

Well let me tell you that it is a big deal. Contrary to popular belief, the people inside the store do not have anything better to do other than serve you. Yes it is true that the reason that we are there is to help you, but we have to do other things. We have to do other things and when we have to stand there all morning listening to you just heeem and haw about what you are going to order, well it cuts into the time we spend making prep and cleaning the store etc. But there is another thing. Most stores have a service goal. They have a time limit to get customers in and out of a Drive thru. Do you know how hard it is to sit there and listen to someone try to make up their mind about what they want to order when you have a clock that is ticking over your head? When you see that they have spend two min at the box and have not even finished the order? These times effect people. They effect bonuses and pay and even if people keep their job. But by all means, don't worry. As long as your fat ass can sit in your car and be comfortable while I sweat and run harder because you are a dumb ass will keep me warm at night when I am worried about keeping my job. :)

How many people can go in the room again? I can't really remember!

Dear America,

  Why do you feel the need to tell me something fifteen times? I got it the first time when I said thank you!

    Love always

       Brian

   So Thursday was a rather productive day for me. I went to work and was very happy as I was going to be going to Ga to visit family the next day. Being the person that I am I had a list of things to do, and a timeline in which to do them. (I know this is very Monica of me, and I have actually been given a new nickname due to this fact.. I am now known as Moss... Monica and Ross together....) Anyway I finished at work and went home to get ready to run my errands. My bestie came over and we started our adventure. We got about thirty min into it when the first curve ball was thrown into the mix.

 Our other bestie was in labor. She was having the baby! HOLY CRAP! So on the way to the hospital, we had to get something to eat and we did that. After this was accomplished i started my mini melt down. My schedule had been thrown out the window. Now if you know me you know that I am a typical Virgo. I have to have plans. I need to know where we are going, when we will get there and about how long we will be there. If I do not know this it is a little hard for me. So with a friend in labor, and a friend by my side I knew that I would be able to make it. 

  When we got to the hospital we had to find the area where our friend was. This sounds easy, but it is not. Once we got to the labor ward, we had to call to get in. Now I understand this, and I know that it is for the protection of the babies and the mothers, but it is a little unnerving when one of your best friends is in labor. It was at this point when we reached our first little hiccup in the road.

  I picked up the phone to call the desk to be let in, and talked to a very lovely person. This is a little how the conversation went.

  LP: "Hello how can i help you?"

Me: "I am here to see my friend who is having a baby...."

LP:"Well we have a lot of people back here having babies at the moment what would her name be?"

   It was at this point that I looked at the phone is shock. I had not finished speaking and I had been cut off so that the nurse could be rude. This was not good. I gave the name of my friend and then we went into the ward.  Now it was at this point that we were told that only three people were allowed in the room. I looked at my two friends and asked the nurse... does the mother count cause she makes three? The nurse informed me that no the mother did not count but that the father did and so when he came back up we would have to leave. At this point every time someone came into the room we were told that only three people can be in the room. When we left they told us that only three people could be in the room and when we came back they told us that only three people can be in the room. It was at this point that I asked one of the nurses how many people could be in the room. She did not like that.

  But this brings up lots of questions america. If the mother has twins, does the father have to leave. If they have triplets do both the parents have to leave? When John and Kate had their kids, did some of the kids have to leave? Did they make a schedule to see which kids could stay in the room? Did they have multiple rooms?

 Apparently only three people can be in the room at one time. And I am really glad that the nurses told me this at every chance that they could. If they had not told me this maybe a vortex to another world would have opened and some kind of horrible creature would have been released. 

  All I am saying is that you only have to tell me once, and I will get it.

Must you stay seated,is that what Jesus would do?

Dear America,

     Isn't the polite thing to do to stand up and let someone pass? That's what momma told me when I was young.

   Love Always

        Brian

  So today I had one of my first big boy adventures. I flew all by myself. I have been wanting to come to Georgia to visit some of my family and I just have not felt like driving, so I decided to fly. It would cost me about the same so i decided it was no big deal and I would just do it. So I booked the flight and found a good and wonderful friend to take me to the airport. We had a fun adventure at 5am trying to find the Sanford airport. Map quest will give you some seriously back woods roads to travel on. 

  We found the airport and I got checked in with time to spare. So we had a little breakfast and spent some quality time with my best friend. When it was time for her to leave we hugged and there were promises of I will text when we land and all that jazz. This was when the adventure truly began. It started with the seating of the plane. Now all of us who have flown before know that when you go to board the plane that they are going to call the rows from the back up. This way you are not falling all over each other to get onto the plane. Well as I patiently waited to be seated, I was watching a family wait to get on the plane. The flight attendant went through the whole process of telling us who would board and how it would be. Well this family that was standing by the gate kept getting upset that they were not being allowed to get on the plane. The mother was motining and making all this noise about how she really needed to get on the plane. Now my first thought was that we all need to get on the plane. None of us have booked this flight because we want to just sit in the termanal and wait to get on the plane. We want to get where we are going. Getting on the plane is not going to get you there any faster. You can't go anywhere until everyone is on the plane, so what is the sense in getting mad. 

  As they called my section to get on the plane, I passed this family as the mother huffed and slammed her bags onto the ground. Then she said what I seem to hear a lot these days. "It's because we are black!). It was at this point that I wanted to point out to her that it was not because she was black, but because she was in a row that had not been called yet. There is no black or white about it. You are in a row and that is where you are going to sit. End of story... Plus come on lady, your 4 year old is handling this better than you are.

 As I got on the plane and looked to find my seat I was feeling pretty grown up and proud. Here I was having a real big boy experience. Look at me world, all on my own! Brian is getting his! WOOT. So once I placed my carryon in the over head compartment, I turned to my seat mate and said "Excuse me, how are you today?" Now my momma told me to always be polite (as a matter of fact, both mothers and both fathers always told me this, and this is the one lesson that has always stuck with me. That and never to take any wooded nickels.) So I try to be kind and nice. If it is good enough for Jesus then it is good enough for me. Well apparently seatmate never got this from her mother. She looked at he, letting her glasses slide down to the tip of her nose, and pursed her lips at me. As I was wondering where she had gotten the lemon that she must have been sucking on to make this face, she slid her legs out about a quarter of an inch and went back to talking on her cell phone. It was at this point that I went from big boy to little boy.

   I was a little bit put out. So I decided that since I was put out, she would have to be put out to. So what did I do you ask? I will tell you. I put my butt out. That's right folks. As I slid across to get to my seat, I stuck my butt out as far as it would go so that it would be right in her face. I stuck it right there, and I know that she  could not help but see it, cause I have a very large budunck a dunk.  She didn't say anything, but as I sat down and got out my Vanity Fair to read, I smiled at her and told her that I hoped that she would enjoy the flight.

 Now you may ask me, what did this accomplish. Well apart from giving me a little satisfaction, and my next blog entry, I got the satisfaction of seeing her politely stand and help the next person who came to sit down. So you see sometimes a random act of obnocisousness can help teach a lesson.

  Next time: Did you know that there are only three people allowed in the room?

It really does cost extra.

Dear America,

Why are you shocked when you have to pay extra for something that is not included? Man up and pay the fifty cents.

Love,

Brian

I have noticed lately that people are shocked when they have to pay extra for something. Yesterday a woman wanted to add Jelly to her sausage Biscuit, now first I was the one who should have been shocked because when I think sausage I so not think jelly. I think Mustard, ketchup, mayo, but not Jelly. I informed this woman (after i had vomited a little in my mouth) that it would be fifty cents for the jelly. She looked at me like I had just shot her cat. I mean seriously, I do not think that she could have been more shocked if I had her dead cat in my hand and I smacked her in the face with it. Once she closed her mouth and stopped blinking (and I am not even kidding) she proceeded to go off like no one before her.

Shocked Cat lady who wants Jelly: "What do you mean it's fifty cents. Why do I have to pay fifty cents for Jelly. When I go to McDonalds, I do not have to pay extra for ketchup. I mean why can't i just put a little jelly on my sausage biscuit? I mean what do I have to do to get some jelly, I just don't understand....."

It was at this point that I really just wanted to scream at her... you have to pay fifty cents you crazy physco cat lady!!!! SERIOUSLY!

It was at this point that I just gave her the stupid Jelly. I just couldn't stand to hear her talk about the stupid Jelly for one more moment. She didn't even say thank you.

But let me tell you something America. You have to pay for product. Now there are things that people do not have to pay for, but in fact, you really are paying for them. The reason that you do not have to pay for extra ketchup at McDonalds, is that everyone gets ketchup on their burgers. It already comes on it, so it is built into the price. The reason that jelly is not free, is that not everyone gets jelly on their sausage biscuit. So if I want to order the Jelly so that you can have it, you have to pay for it. You see, things are not free. I find it silly that I have to pay for something that falls from the sky (water).

So I guess what I am getting at is that things are not free. If you want to buy something you have to pay for it. Other than that, it's called a gift or stealing.

Single Ladies... yeah your gonna stay single

Dear America,

Is it really a good idea to put that on Youtube? Seriously!

Love Brian

All the Single Ladies! Oh the single Ladies!

Tonight I thought it would be funny to show my little sisters the video of the Glee football team dancing to single ladies. She chuckled and good times were had. Having never seen this video before (yes I live under a rock) I decided to search for it online. Well let me tell you I found a whole new world of hurt!

First there was the video by Beyonce. It was a pretty good video, but I could not really understand what all the fuss was about. So then I looked at the side bar and saw that there was more. This was when my sisters friend told me to look up Justin Timberlake doing the dance. I had heard that it was funny, and the first ten seconds was funny, but that is all I could find. So I started to click and ohhhhh the horror.

First there was a rather large man wiggeling and jiggling in ways that he shold not have been moving. Now when Beyonce does this, it is not so bad. She does not jiggle much and what does is good when it does. (I'm just sayin) But when a man who weighs more than I do puts on a black leotard and dances. Not only do bad things jiggle but his boys were jiggling. It was just too much. It was just a little too much for my eyes. I was waiting for the smoke to start pouring from my ears and then for my eyes to melt out of my face. A little like Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the lost Arc. (Don't look directly at it! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) So I quickly clicked on the next link.

Well this was a video of three girls dancing to Single ladies. Wearing the same costumes as in the video, only with wigs that had shinny tinsel in them. The girls had no rhythm and could not dance with the music. Now I am not against them dancing and having fun, but if you can't dance and you can't dance, then why put it on Youtube. I mean the baby that was two years old dancing to it, was better than these girls.

So I guess what I am saying is, I did not like and I will not put a ring on it! I mean seriously why do we put these things on Youtube. How are you going to feel when fifteen years from now, your son comes into your room and says to you... "so dad, did anyone put a ring on it?" And then laughs and does the little shuffle dance out of the room.

Sit down shut up or i will kill you.

Dear America,

Why won't you just shut the hell up!

Love ALways,

Brian

It seems to me that the times are changing. I have noticed recently that people just seem to be getting ruder. Now I know what you are going to say, I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaay to young to know what I am talking about. Making a judgement like this means that a person would have been around for a long time, but I am a mere babe, but a wise one at that :) Seriously, I remember when I was growing up if I was in a restaurant and I so much as made my chair squeek, my father would say something like "I will give you something to cry about, or so help me God if you don't stop I will jerk a knot in you so fast..." something to that effect. My father was from the school of Cosby, you know... I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it....

Now a days you can't jerk a knot in a kid. God can't help you and you cannot take them out of the world (that is usually called Murder). I am not saying that I believe that you should not lay a hand on your kids, I believe that you should just do it when it needs to be done. My father only spanked me once in my life, and let me tell you that was all it took. After his hand hit my buttocks, all it took was a look from him, or a motion and I would do what he wanted me to do. I guess what I am saying is that children these days need a good spanking.

My family was out to dinner a few weeks ago and we were actually having a good time. Conversation was flowing, and this does not happen a lot. When we go to dinner, it is hard to talk. My father and grandmother are from the old school, they like McCain, and I like Oboma ( I think my aunt does to,but I am not sure) anyway, we had the flow man. It was like water, free and quick. This all lasted until our food was brought out, and it was at this time, that a new family was seated next to us. About five min into this, the kid started to scream. He didn't want his toy, he didn't want to watch a dvd, and he did not want a snack from his nifty bag. He wanted to get out of his chair and run around. Well his mother look at her family and said " Just ignore him, he will stop and he is not hurting anyone."

This may be true in your home. Let me tell you that I have used this approach before. When my godson has thrown a fit over something that he wants and he can't have it, I let him just scream it out. He's not hurting anyone and he will stop. I can tell when I need to step in, so it's all good. The only difference is that there is not a Restaurant in the living room, so it is no big deal. But when you are in a restaurant, you have to think of the people around you, and I just do not want to eat and listen to a 3 year old scream. Not my idea of fun. Maybe if he had a pause button or maybe a mute button then I would be all down with that. Maybe Samantha was right, we need sections of restaurant were we can send families with kids. Like a giant in door playground, with those plastic balls and a bar for the parents. Kids can play with the balls and parents can play with their bottles.

But it's not just kids and parents, it's teenagers! Last night my best friend and I went to see a movie. Now if you know me, you know how I am in a movie. I will joke and kid when the previews are on, but once the movie comes on I don't say much. There is something about being in a movie that is magical. I get to leave this world and view the world of someone else. I don't have to worry about how I am going to go back to school or how I am going to pay for it, I can watch as others struggle and I think to myself..self you don't have it all that bad. You aren't being haunted by a demon, so ti really can't be all that bad can it. So you can see that I just really get into it. So we are sitting in the movie theater watching a movie about a girl who is being haunted and how she is dealing with it (SOOOOO GOOD by the way) First I was disturbed by the fact that a couple brought their two year old into this movie, but there was a group of girls sitting in the back giggling and laughing in the back row. People would talk and laugh and giggle during this movie, and that is just rude. If you want to laugh and giggle go to a funny movie, or tell a joke, but don't go to a movie that is said to be the scariest movie ever released. This is not a laughfest.

I just wanted to get up and throw my shoe at them. (Let me tell you it would not be the first time that I did something like that). Luckely i had my bestie with me, so she could handle it like the delicate flower that she is. She kind of told the girls to shut the FFFFFFFF up. SERIOUSLY! :)

So what I am trying to say is that when you are out in public, try to remember that you are not the only one there. You are not in your house, and you are not in your private area. This is a place that many people go and therefore you have to follow the rules that apply. You have to take one for the team. You have to follow the greater good and do what needs to be done for everyone. That means sit down shut up and if your kid is crying, maybe you should give them something to cry about!

Bank of America.... Seriously

Dear (Bank of) America,

Why must you be so stupid?

Love Always

Brian

Why is it that I have to go into Bank of America now? Why can't my place of business use Suntrust? That would make me happy. Why no love for Bank of America? Well I am glad you asked so let me tell you.

I have never had a positive experience in that bank. I have not been in there a lot in my life. Only when I am forced to. I stick to Suntrust, the happiest bank on Earth. The people who make me smile, and who sometimes make mistakes, but always fix them...(Even if I have to go in there and yell and scream and use my very stern voice to get what I want.) It seems that at Bank of America, they do not want to help me out. In fact they seem to enjoy scolding me. Let me share.

The first time I went to Bank of America was many moons ago. I was what they call a college student, and being rather poor I depended on the kindness of my father to help me stay afloat. He would write a check to me for my tuition and I would put it in my account and pay said tuition. (sadly I did not realize how wonderful this was until it was too late. Now I have to finish on my own) So this one time at Church camp a counselor decided that she needed some money. Stupidly I let her borrow my check card so that she could deposit a check in my account and withdraw some money. ( I know what you are thinking, but this was Jesus camp, and if she took to much I would know where to find her.) Well she put the check in, withdrew the money and then left camp never to return. She emptied my account, and then the check that she deposited bounced, causing all of my checks to bounce. This was not good. Coupled with that, my tuition was due, and I could not pay as I had a very large negative balance. My tuition check had been made out to me on a Dean Witter account that my father had. I could not put it in my account, so I went to Bank of America to cash the check. Well my friends they would not cash the check. Why you ask... Well it was because I did not have an account there. My father did, and there was more than enough money to cover the check(You could have cashed that check fifty times and it would have been okay. I know because the bank manager showed me the screen...another big no no as I was not on that account.) So what was I to do? I went to Suntrust, explained and they cashed the check. Not only did they cash the check, but the person who helped me had me sign the check to them and then they gave me the money from their account. Pretty cool huh? Bank of America would not even give me the money out of the account that was at that Bank.

Another time, a friend of mine lost her debit card and license at the bank. In the drive thru teller. She put her card and license in the air tube, sent it over in the special holder, and when it got to the other side it was gone. They later found it, but canceled the card, and made her get a new one...which she had to pay for. She also had to get a new license as she could not prove that she was who she was since she had no ID. Is not the license ID? Does it not have a picture on it? Doesn't this person bank here all the time and get called by name? Yet they don't know who she is and they will not give back her license. That is great customer service.

Then there was today. I went to make a business deposit. I went in yesterday to do this, and was told that I could use the commercial lane. This was for business deposits. The only problem is that I had to stand behind a woman who was arguing about an overdraft fee. Now I understand. Get yours honey. Keep hold of that paper that you worked so hard for! You GO! But you should have been sent to a desk to talk to someone. That is what Suntrust does. So while I stood there, I watched about seven people go in and out of the line. The other teller never once said can I help you. She did tell me that I would be helped as soon as possible. So I waited. Once the line was empty, I looked to her and asked "Can you help me?" She stated, "No you have to be helped in the commercial lane. It is there to keep the traffic moving."

Now correct me if I am wrong, but if there is a lane for just business transactions, then once the business transaction comes it, it should be used. If a customer is being helped, and it is taking a long time, they need to be given to someone who can help them and let the business people on their way. I had finally had enough, so I looked at the teller and said.. " I need you to help me. I have to get back to work! I cannot be gone from my store this long." She let me come over, but made a kind of big deal about it.

Let me share a bit with you before I continue... Usually I am not in that much of a hurry. I have been known to let the people behind me go before me when I had a large deposit and a big money order. I do not think that they should have to wait for me and their transactions are faster than mine. So when there are only two tellers or one, I let those behind me go and I patiently wait. This usually helps the tellers and also I usually get speedy service as one will come out from the back and open their cage really quick and help me.

So I am not above waiting. But I was getting a little ticked off as there were no people in line and I was just sitting there. So she motioned me over, did the transaction and then proceeded to tell me that next time I was there and this happened I would have to go get in the line and wait. She looked at me like I pulled a gun from my bag and told everyone to back off, and that I was next. She made it sound like the bank police were on their way to come get me and throw me in bank jail.

All I have ever seen in Bank of America are rude employees and tellers who do not smile or seem to be bothered that they have to help you. Sunturst is way happier. They seem to be happy to have my business and I wish that the business account could be transfered over to them. That would make me happy!

So Bank of America, all I have to say is.. you can SUCK IT!

Why do I care what you eat?!

Dear America,

Why do you keep asking me to pick your food? I am not going to eat it!

Love

Brian

In the last few weeks customers have been asking me to pick their food for them. They will come up to the counter and begin to order, it usually goes something like this.

Customer: I would like a breakfast sandwich and coffee.

Me: Which sandwich and what size coffee?

Customer: I don't know, you pick.

Me: The size of the coffee?

Customer: No the sandwich.

Now I do not know about you, but when I decide to go out to eat I know what I am going to eat. I usually have a general idea, and then when I get there I look at the menu and make a decision. I don't usually let the person who is behind the counter or the server decide what I am going to eat. I am paying so I should decide.

I have noticed with these customers, that once you put in their food order or once they pick it up, they have magically decided that they do not want what you have picked out for them. The decide that they do not like a sausage egg and cheese croissant, but that they wanted no meat or that they don't want the carbs, or that if they eat this food that you have chosen for them that they will turn into zombies and begin to eat my brains....which at this point in helping the customer I would almost like that better.

Once the customer has decided that they are not going to eat this wonderful breakfast that they have paid for, they decide that they are want something else. They do not want to pay for this new sandwich, they expect that it be made for them at no charge. I know that there is a magic cow out there and that he has a friend who is a magic pig, and together they make magic meat that is free and there for anyone to use. They live under the magic money tree.

Another favorite is when they are getting donuts. They ask for an assortment of donuts. The very nice man behind the counter asks them if they want to pick them out and they usually say that you can pick them out. The thing is that they are distracted. They are talking on the phone, or maybe they are tweeting about how cute the donut guy is behind the counter. Whatever the case, they are to busy to pick out their own donuts, but once they get the donuts, they decide that they want another donut or there are to many filled donuts etc etc etc.

So I guess what I am saying is, You really do not want me to pick out your food. For one reason, I am going to pick the most expensive thing on the menu, because I am ticked that you cannot take the time to pick out your own food, and I have a budget to meet. The other reason is, you never are happy with the food. If you are going to order food.... ORDER WHAT YOU WANT AND SAVE ME THE TIME AND THE ENERGY!

Use your big words!

Dear America,

Use your big words like a big boy. I know you can do it!

Love Always

Brian

It has come to my attention that there is a lot of pointing going on. I am sure this has happened a lot in the past and will always be a problem that will plague man kind, but I have noticed it a lot more lately. I do not pretend to be a pointless person. I have on my fair share of days pointed. My favorite is the point and laugh, which no one has mastered like my friend Crystal. This pointing I am talking of is when people want something and they point at it. Let's say that someone has a hankerin for a donut. The may walk up to the counter and point and say "I want that one." So I turn and look and what do I see? That's right folks I see a case that has over twenty verities of donuts in it. So a point and that one, does not do much for me.

Now I know what you are going to say. These people do not make the donuts. They do not spend the time that I do lovingly making sure that these tasty treats come into existence. You see I nurture these little donuts so that they can become that special afternoon or morning treat for someone. So yes I can look at a donut on a wall o donuts and know which one is which. So I can understand why it can be a bit confusing. But you see, we have come up with a wonderful way for you to tell what donut is what. They have tags under them. So if you want a Barbarian Cream, all you have to do is look at the tag and say the name that is under it. It's not that hard.

It is not out of the ordinary for someone to come in and point and say I want that one. So then I ask them, "Which one did you want?" and they usually reply "The Chocolate one." Well that helps a lot. You see on the wall o donuts you have, chocolate glazed, double chocolate glazed, chocolate frosted, chocolate frosted cake, boston cream which has chocolate on top, and chocolate kreme, which is filled with chocolate icing. So when you just say, "chocolate" it really does not help.

So the next step in our dance of ineptitude, is for me to get the donut. Invariably what will happen is I will grab the wrong one. So the customer then says, not that one, that one. This makes it all so much clearer. I mean you didn't want that one you wanted that one. The clouds have parted and I now know what it must have been like to be one of the 12 deciples when the tongues of fire descended from heaven and made it possible to understand all languages. Everything is clear.

Then the customer will do the final step and they will point and shake their finger. I am instantly transported back to the night that my godson Grady wanted his Pah (pacifier) and we would not give it to him unless he said that he wanted it. He continued to point and scream, but we would not give it to him. He had to say Pah as we knew that he could. Sometimes I just wish I could treat the customer like a 2 year old.

"Mr. Williams, you cannot have the Boston Cream donut until you ask for it properly. Don't you shake your finger at me young man. You are not too old for me to put over my knee. Use your words, I know you can!."

This is how I feel when customers order. It is not hard to look at a sign and read it. Why must they point or order in a way that makes it possible to understand them. Why do customers think I will understand them when they order the donut that has the stuff in the middle and the stuff on top? That is about ten of the donuts that we serve. Why can't you just know what the donut is and order it? It just baffles me.

My hope is that someday someone will point at a donut and their finger will fall off.

Tipping the Balance

Dear America,

If you are going to order food and have it either brought to your table, or your house, then you should tip. It is the right thing to do. If you cannot tip, then do not order!

Love Always,
Brian

Tonight my father is out of town and my little sister is working late. So I decided that I would do something that I often did while living in my own home. I ordered take out. Having gotten up at 3am this morning to make the donuts, and working until about three this afternoon, I decided that after my nap I would have food delivered. Before I ordered my food I took out my check book and looked at ecxactly how much money I had in my account. It was not that I feared that I would bounce a check, (though this is a reality I have to live with these days as my paycheck is smaller and this makes it harder to stay within the limits of my budget) but it was to see just how much I was comfortable tipping the delivery driver.

Many of you out there may think... "Why is he doing this? What is the big deal about a tip. Just give a couple dollars and be done with it."

To this I answer, SHAME ON YOU! Having once been a delivery driver for a very nice Pizza Company, I have seen it all. Let me tell you, when a man opens the door and his erect penis is pointing out of his pajama bottoms, you have earned that two dollar tip! When you find a note on the door that says... "Dear Pizza Man, We are having Sex. Do not ring the door bell. Money is under the mat. Tip included. Please leave Pizza on door step. Thank you." You deserve the dollar that has been left to you. It is also hard to believe how people order food and then have sex before the delivery person arrives. I cannot tell you how many nights I have stood on a door step and knocked, called, rang the door bell, and then heard the tell tale sounds of "Oh so Sweet Lovin" going on. That my friends is why I carried a magazine in my back pocket. I would settle in on the door step and read for a bit. It was not always that long before someone in that apartment or house was a little bit happier and a little bit hungrier. So once the high sign was given (and you know what I am talking about ladies, or maybe you don't, hope you do though) I would ring the door bell and then smile when the guy answered the door. Sometimes this got me a bigger tip. Some would ask me what the magazine was for,and of course I would say

" Just waiting for you to finish up."
Some would smile, some would laugh, others would frown, but it was always worth it.

You see delivery drivers and waiters/waitresses have to deal with a lot. Contrary to popular beliefe, they do not only have one delivery or one table. So when you deliver to a frat party and you are taken into the house and shoved into a room where two people are having sex, are you really suprised that you delivery man is going to call you a stupid, festering bitch monkey! (yes this did happen to me, and yes those were my words. I also recived a very large tip that night as i threatend to call the house mother and tell her what happened to me)

I do not understand why it is funny to people to mess with thier delivery drivers, or why they think that they do not need to tip them. I have seen family members who tip 30 -40 percent to a server only tip the delivery guy a dollor or two. Why does he deserve less than a waiter. In all likelyhood, he has answered the phone, taken your order, made your pizza, and driven to your house. So are you honestly suprised that he tells you to get bent, when you look at him and tell him that he must give you a dollar because he does not carry change and you want your change, which is a dime? Are you suprised that when you give him a fake address and he cant find your street after 45 min of driving, that he is going to give you the finger and tell you to F%*@ yourself five ways from Sunday, when you call him and give him the real address. (seriously, Streets do not just magically change, and if they some how do, people usually know thier addresses.) So I don't care if you are black, white, green or yellow. If you are gay, straight, bi or a tranny. If you are handicapped or not. You will treat a delivery person with respect because they are people too. (and you are lucky I am not your delivery man, cause the last guy in a wheel chair who refused to pay me the correct amount of money got my finger in the air, and his pizza on the ground.)

I do have to say thank you woman who chased her boyfriend from the house with her high heel and made him give me a twenty dollar tip. (he had given me a wad of money and jerked the pizza out of my hand. He then slammed the door in my face, and I found that he had stiffed me five dollars.) She beat the crap out of him. Also thank you to the guy who gave me a fifty dollar tip becuase I brought back change for a hundred. Some people are cool. What some people do not understand is that delivering or waiting on tables is hard. It is not our fault that someone did not put the right toppings on your pizza. It is not our fault that the cook did not make your order right, or forgot to make it. We do what we can, but when you have 5 tabels all with 5- 10 people who all want one thing after another, but wait for you to come back from getting that fork, or that napkin, or the breadsticks, it might take some time. So why punish the waiter. (also when you stiff the delivery driver or you give him the wrong amount of money, he pays for that pizza out of his tips. So you may think that you are screwing with corporate america, but you are really hurting the small guy.)

What if I had a son who was in high school. Lets say that he had to write a paper on Sherman's march through Atlanta. The teacher has taught my son what he needs to know. She has helped him after school, she has given him books to read and done everything possible to make sure that he gets a good grade. He gets his paper back and gets a C. Now what if I walked into her classroom and told her that she had to give me twenty bucks, or that I was going to have the school dock twenty dollars from her paycheck. You would think me crazy! Well let me tell you something America, this is what you do on a day to day basis. So just tip the waiter or delivery driver. If you go to starbucks everyday and the barista behind the counter knows your name, birthday and what grade your daughter is in, drop a freakin dollar in the tip jar. That barista helps about a thousand people a week ( if you do not believe me, my slowest store pushed 3,000 people a week through the doors on a slow week). So it is pretty amazing that they know your name, drink, personal information and that your drink is ready before you have finished paying!

Some of you may say that you do not want to tip. Well then i have a solution for you. It is easy and simple. GET YOUR FAT ASS OF THE COUCH AND COOK YOUR OWN DINNER, OR PICK IT UP YOURSELF! ( and for all that is wonferful and pure, wait untill after you pleasure your self to order your pizza!)

Kids ordering. donuts and the Breakfast club!

Dear America,

It is not cute when you let your kids order in a store. In fact it can be a little annoying!

Love Always,

Brian

There is a new trend sweeping the nation! Parents are letting their kids order when they go to a restaurant. Now I am not talking about a ten year old, or even an eight year old, hell I am not even talking about a six year old, I am talking of kids that range from the age of one to four. Five is a kind of no man's land, a veritable toss up. Kind of a Almond Joy/ Mounds kind of thing, Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. By that I mean that sometimes the kids will order, and sometimes they will not.

As I was standing behind the counter the other day, trying to resist the urge to grab the donuts and hurl them at people, I had a customer walk up and order. The mother ordered, the father ordered and the teenage son all ordered. Then it was little Sally's turn. Sally is three. She is cute. She has the pig tails with the satin ribbon that is pink. She is so tinny you could just put her in your pocket and eat her up. She wears all pink with little sandals that sparkle like my hopes in the sun. She will either grow up to be a very cheery cheerleader, or she will be the goth girl that sits in the back of class and eats her hair. She will be Molly Ringwald or Allie Sheedy. ( If you do not get this reference to the Breakfast Club then you must stop what you are doing, go out and rent this movie and watch it. if you do not you may never read this blog again!)

So our young lady, our future Molly or Allie, is being held by her mother and mother says...

Mother: "Sally tell the nice man what you want."

Now let us be clear about something. I am a nice person. I do what I can to be the person that God and my parents raised me to be. Sally does not know this. To Sally the nice man is Santa or the guy a Publix that gives her a free cookie every time she comes in. I could easily be this man if I had a relationship with Sally. If we saw eachother on a daily basis then I would be the nice man. To my customers like Susan or Wilma that come in everyday I am the nice man that makes their coffee and smiles as I had it to them I spend thirty to fourty seconds of the day smiling for them and asking them how they are or telling them how pretty they are. So to them I am the nice man. To Sally I am the slightly over weight man in a very large blue shirt that sweats a little and is wearing a hat with a headset on it. I am not the nice man. I do not have the keys to the kingdom, the power is not mine, I may not collect 200 dollars I may not pass go. I am sure that Sally wants to scream and run away..... I know that sometimes I do.

So what does Sally do after mommy tells her to order from the nice man? That's right she does what any future Molly or Allie would do, she buries her head in her mothers shoulder and looks away. This does not stop Mommy from repeating that Sally needs to order from the nice man. After about a min of not ordering from the nice man Mommy trots out her next plan.

Mother: "Sally would you like the pink donut with sprinkles?"

We have not reached the point in our program where Mother is going to list all of the donuts. This is usually where we can tell who Sally will become. You see Mother will start with all of the girly pretty donuts. We will look at the pinks and the whites, the chocolate frosted with sprikels, or the sugar raised because they sparkle. If little Sally picks one of these then she will be a Molly. It will be all sunshine and happiness. She will lead others in cheers, she will be bubbly and happy and most likely date a guy names Biff. Ohhh but if she orders outside the pretty pretty pink princess donuts it is all over. If she orders a chocolate frosted we still have a chance of Molly, after all women love chocolate. If she orders a maple or an old fashioned then we have an Allie. Sally will sit in the back of class and eat her hair. She will shy away from everyone and one day in detention Molly will take Sally and take her from Allie to Molly.

But I digress. What I am really getting at is that we need to get back to the good old days. When I was but a wee lad, my father did not give me a choice. Daddy would order the donuts, and we would eat them and be grateful. You see, once upon a time I dared to say that I did not want a glazed donut. I wanted a lemon filled ( I was always a strange kid) and what was my father's response? No donuts for Brian! Now some of you might think that this is harsh, but I will tell you something. It made me realize that there are consequences in life. That you have to make a choice, and mommy will not always be there to point out all of the pretty pretty princess donuts. I had to learn to thing for myself. Also there was never a nice man in a blue shirt wearing a hat with headphones and sweating just a little, that wanted to throw donuts at me. I was also not a Molly or an Allie. I was not Michael Anthony Hall (Brian) or Emilo Esteves, or Judd Nelson. No I was me. I was me because my parents taught me that sometimes you have to make up your own mind, but more importantly, they taught me that sometimes you just have to work with the donut that you are handed.

Put down your Starbucks cup, nobody cares!

Dear America,

Put down your starbucks cup, nobody cares! I also don't care that your purse is a Fendi!

Love,

Brian

A friend of mine made a comment about starbucks cups on facebook. She mentioned that it was stupid that people held their cups up to their cheeks so that everyone can see that they are drinking starbucks. This got me to thinking....

I have come to a conclusion. I DON'T CARE! I know that you are drinking coffee, but I do not care if it is from Starbucks, Caribou , Dunkin Donuts, or the 7-11. I just don't care. I am in the habit of sometimes holding my cup up to my cheek. I used to do this when I would have my coffee in the morning driving to work. It was early and I lived in Atlanta. It was cold and the coffee warmed me up. Once the heat went on and the car was nice and toasty, I would put the coffee in my cup holder, but I had a reusable mug so you did not know where my coffee came from. People should not know where I got my coffee. I do not go to starbucks because Brittany Spears does...believe me I do not do anything because she does. I mean if that were the case I would be walking out of bathrooms barefoot eating delicious snack foods. If you see me walking around a mall with a starbucks in hand it is because I wanted a cup of coffee not to be cool.

Also I have a sidekick, not because it is on 90210, not because Lindsay Lohan had one a while back, but because I like the phone. It is the best phone I have ever had, and I love that the screen flips up. I do on occasion drive with it in my hand and my hand is next to my face, but that is how I drive. (I haven't figured out how to make the phone give me an alert when I get text messages so I have to sometimes hold it when I am waiting for a response...... But I never text while I drive! ) So put down your phones and your cups of coffee because no one cares.

While we are on the topic, it is really tacky to wear a shirt that has the name of the company on it. It is not so bad if it is little, and really not all that bad if it is a sports company (although it is still a little tacky), but if you are wearing Prada, Channel, Armani, etc etc etc.... you should not wear a shirt that has the name splashed across your chest. Lets face it, you are advertising for the company, and you are paying them to let you advertise for them.

When I was in High School, Mossimo was huge ( I am not sure if I am spelling this right). One of my favorite memories from high school is of my french teacher telling a student how stupid he was for wearing a shirt that said Mossimo on it. He argued with her that it was cool and that all of the kids wear it. She asked him if he knew what it meant and he said no. She told him that it was a French douche! He turned so red and took the shirt off. (he had an undershirt on) Later he told a friend that he got rid of all his Mossimo stuff. I cannot believe that he feel for that. Obviously to anyone with a brain Mossimo is an Italian name. It doesn't even sound french. Of course the teacher was just making a point. (I should not be suprised, as the same guy gave a report about the hunch back of Notre Dame for french class and talked about the talking gargoyles and how he thought it was an interesting touch and that he liked the happy ending. He totally watched the Disney movie, which is nothing like the book!)

I just do not understand how people buy these ridiculous things. I believe it is the Berkin bag that costs 5,000 dollars. There is something like a three year waiting list to get one. People shell out all this money just for a bag. Just so that they can walk around and be cool. Coach has a 1,600 bag that looks like a quilt. It is perhaps the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life. It is all mismatched and stupid. Yet people pay all this money for it. I once worked with a woman who won 1,000 in the lottery. She bought a Louis Vitton bag. Now anyone who has half a brain knows that in French you do not pronounce the last letter in a word. So Louis Vitton is actually pronounced, Loui Vitto, with a long O. She walked all over our work place talking about her new Louis Vitton, just pronouncing the heck out of the s and the n. How are you going to spend 1,000 dollars on something that you cannot even say! I mean seriously. People who call Gucci, Gukki, and pay all this money.

Now I wear Ralph Lauren I love Ralph Lauren I have the Polo hat, the boxers, the shirts, socks, the wallet and the pants. I even had the sweater. I wear it because I like it. Not because someone has told me to wear it, not because Rachel Greene from Friends worked there, not because Brad Pitt wears it, but because I like it. The hat is my favorite and fits me well. The boxers are the most comfortable I have ever worn. LOVE THE SHIRTS! LOVE THE PANTS! But you will never catch me wearing a shirt that has POLO in huge letter across my chest. I will always wear the little pony.

I guess I just don't get it. I also don't understand why you have to spend 16,000 on a birthday party or why your 16 year old deserves to drive a Mercedes SL 500. But I was born with common sense. I never received a car for my birthday and then told my parents that I wanted a different one. A kid I went to High School with did that. He did not like the fully loaded all leather interior brand new 1996 Ford Explorer that his parents gave him for his birthday (that he did not have to pay for). No he told them that he wanted a jeep wrangler instead. AND THEY BOUGHT IT FOR HIM! You want to know how this would have played out in my house?

Dad: Happy birthday! We got you a car!

Me: Ummm that's not the one I wanted. Can I get a different one?

Dad: Sure we can trade it in for a brand new 1996 NOTHING! Any color you want.

My dad would have taken the car away so fast my head would have spun. But my parents didn't buy me a new car, I drove the 1984 Jeep that my sisters drove before me and my Dad bought when I was 5. But I loved that car. I looked just as good in my clothes from sears as the kids who wore Mossimo.... the French douche.

So here is the lesson America. You may spend 5,000 for a purse, but your shit still stinks!

Sometimes you just don't know.

Dear America,

Do you realize that sometimes when you are mean to people there are consequences? Just thought you should know.

Love,

Brian

So I was talking to a friend tonight and we were remembering all the fun that we had when we worked together. She always got my stupid movie quotes and we could crack on people for hours and it was all fun. She reminded me of how customers can be so rude, not that I need to be reminded, and what we used to do about it.

For one thing, if a customer was rude to me, they usually got decaf. I would never give someone caffeine if they asked for decaf, because you could actually kill someone, but they would get decaf if they ordered regular. They might get coffee that had timed out, had grounds in it, or espresso shots that had sat for a little to long. If they ordered sweet n low they got equal or splenda. They got non fat milk when they ordered whole or two percent. They always got soy when they ordered soy, because again you could hurt someone. In short they never got what they wanted, and I actually would move slower and help all the nice people I could first.

You see, yelling at someone never really works. If you go to a drive thru, and there are no napkins in your bag, what good does it do to yell at the crew member that is working the window. It might not even be their fault. Nine times out of ten the person at the window did not put your order together. So you are yelling at someone for no reason. Now I understand that you husband may have just left you, or that you are fat and ugly, these things happen. But I really don't care. If I can stand there in a little box that is really hot and listen to people say splender and still smile, you can nicely ask for napkins. You see if you do this, you might actually get what you ordered next time :)

Baby in the Corner

Dear America,

No body puts baby in the corner! Or do they?

Love

Brian

So the other day I was watching Dirty Dancing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this move! When I was little I think I wore out our copy rewinding and fast forwarding to the dance scene at the end... and thus began my love of Dancing. (Just wait for it. When Dancing with the Stars comes on.. Man you will hear it. ) Anyway I love that Movie. I love the Baby is going to save the world and that her sister is going to decorate it. I love that she carried a watermelon. I love Spaghetti Arms. I love that the sister wants to sing I feel pretty. I love that she sings that Hula song at the end and is the only one still singing when Johnny comes on the stage. I love when Baby laughs when he runs his arm down her side, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that "I think she gets it from me!" Oh that is one of my favorite lines.

But I as I was watching the movie I noticed something. When the Johnny dances with Baby at the end, we all know it. They are basically dry humping on the stage. (and it's like 1960ish so this cannot be a common thing) They get a little break from doing the fake nasty on stage and start to leave the dancing place ( I never know what to call this room) and we can only assume that they are going to do some private naked dirty dancing :) Baby's father stops them and this is what he says...

Baby Daddy: I know you didn't get Penny in trouble.

Johnny: yeah

Baby Daddy: When I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. (looks at baby) You looked wonderful out there.

(this may not be word for word, but you get the picture :)

Well not only is it kind of weird that the mother is proud that she gets it from me... but the Dad basically told his daughter that she looked really good while she was dry humping in front of hundreds of people. (or tens of thirties of people.. not sure how many guests were there, and lets face it it's the 60's so the black people and the staff don't count)..but that's not even the kicker folks....

The Dad does not say he is wrong! He never really says sorry to Johnny! He just kind of looks at him as if to say... "In the real world I would never let you touch my daughter, but this is hollywood so I have to! PUNK" He then goes over and hugs Penny the woman who had the bad abortion. He never looked down on her did he? It was all Johnny's fault. But it just kills me that he says that when he is wrong he says it and then never says it. I mean I love this movie and have found hours of entertainment with the "I carried a Watermelon" line. Would you believe that I have spent hours thinking of this scene . Watching and looking and seeing if he ever really apologizes. But he doesn't. But you do get to see a lady with really pointy breasts get mad and leave the room... and you get to see Emily Gilmore in a tight dress bump and grind with a guy. it's pretty cool.

So if the father didn't admit that he was wrong, does that mean that sometimes you can put Baby in the Corner? Just a thought.

Cars!!!!!!!

Dear America,

Learn how to drive!!!!!

Love ,

Brian

It has come to my attention that I must not have payed much attention to my instructor when I learned to drive. I know that it has been thirteen years since I took my drivers test, and I did fail the first time, (but I chalk this up to the incredibly long Purple Mazda 626 that I took my test in, and the fact that my instructors dentures were loose and making a clicking sound the whole time). So I either missed some rules or they have changed in the years since I have taken my test. Shall we take a look at these rules and see how they have changed over the years.

When I took my drivers test it was my understanding that there was a fast lane and there was a slow lane. The slow lane was for going the speed limit or slower and the fast lane was for passing. Apparently what has happened in the last few years the rules have changed. There is no fast or slow lane. Everyone just drives as fast as they want, and when you want to pass someone you have to get as close to them as you can before you change lanes. This could be looked at as a game of chicken, but in a game of chicken you are driving towards each other. Since on the normal road people drive in the same direction, you have to come up behind someone to do this, so I like to call this game butt chicken.

I was taught to always use my blinker. This lets other drivers know what direction you are going. If you want to switch lanes, or maybe make a turn you would have to turn on your blinker. The drivers in the other lane would either stop to let you turn....as they are behind you... or if they are in the lane next to you they would slowdown so that you could make your turn. Apparently now you are supposed to speed up and honk your horn. There is also a wonderful new hand gesture that people use. The driver will hold up their hand and extend their middle finger. Being the optimist that I am, I like to think that this is a driver wishing me good luck in my endeavor. I have to admit that by the looks on the drivers faces and the fact that they are shouting that they are most likely not wishing me good luck on my turn.

I also saw a driver at a red light did a most incredible thing today. When I was learning how to drive, I was told that when you came to a red light you were to stop. Usually traffic moves in one direction, which is what we use the traffic lights for. It tells people when to stop. Now today, this driver stopped at a red light and decided that he needed to turn left. As I understand it, you should go straight and at the first opportunity, you make your turn. The rule must have changed as the driver put his car in reverse and backed up until he could get into the turn lane, actually he was not in the turn lane, he was in the middle of the road.

I know that these are not the new rules of the road. So listen up America, drive correctly. The rules of the road are to be followed. They are not suggestions, they are rules. Rules that if not followed correctly can kill someone. I know that I sound weird. I sound like someone who is a nerd or a square. I do follow the speed limit, and I use my blinker, If I miss my turn, I continue to go down the road and turn around as soon as I can. I do this so that I will not kill myself or someone else......

As always,

Love Brian.

ps. I also do not ride with a baby in my lap or with the car seat in the front of my car. Just sayin.

What did we ever do before Cell Phones?

Dear America,

What did we ever do before cell phones? How did we ignore those that stood before us? What would Emily Post say?

Love

Brian

I know that I have ranted on this before, but today was just one of those days. Now I have to admit that I was already in a mood when I got to work. All of my girl friends are on their cycle, so you know that I am not far behind. Well it hit me with a vengeance this morning. It must be the heat of the drive thru or it could be that I am just a bitch for three days a month.

Anyway, as I stood in my little heated box today and took order after order a new pattern began to emerge. There was the lady that ordered the Medium Iced Latte light with three splenda, skim milk and extra ice. She was on the phone with one of her friends, happily talking while she drove around. When she pulled up to the window, she had her hand held out with her money in it, even before I had made it back to the window with said latte in hand. I always want to grab their arms and pull down and then scream JACKPOT like I was playing a slot machine. She then informed me that she had requested Whip Cream on her latte. Well I put the whip cream on, but really wanted to tell her that if she would get off the phone and listen as I read back her order, we might be able to make her drink right.

Then there was the woman in the lovely bright Purple truck. Now this car was something to behold. It was a color that looked like it came about from Barney fornicating with a teenage girls pink bedroom. The best part was that you could see that the paint job was not so good and was peeling in places. (Obviously the rather manly truck was rejecting the paint job. ) This wondrous woman, proceeded to hand me only two dollars for her 2.65 ticket, and then talk on the phone. When she was done she hung up and looked at me as if to say... "Where is my food fool." I politely told her that she owed me 65 cents, and then she whipped out a twenty and snatched back the two dollars.

The cell phone is not the only thing that is rude. There were the people who when I handed them their drink said things like... "I DID NOT ORDER THAT!".. "What the hell is this?" and my favorite.... " I ordered Chocolate Covered Donuts with sprinkles and you gave me vanilla... When you open the box there are four chocolate covered donuts with sprinkles..to which the woman replied.... " Well what I wanted were chocolate donuts with sprinkles..... I have never seen a donut like that...

Would it be so horrible to say... "I'm sorry I think that there has been a mistake. I think that I received the wrong donuts. " I am pretty sure that a persons head would not explode. The world would not stop spinning and people would not spontaneously combust. I can tell you that the drive thru technician might just smile at you. ( A man did say that today and I smiled and gave him four donuts for free).

You see when people are nice to you, sometimes they are nice back. You will get more with kindness than you will with anger. I can tell you one thing... I have never given decaf to a person who was nice to me, but I know of at least four people who ordered regular coffee that got decaf today ;)

ps. To the woman that parked really far away from the window, if you heard my rant about having to reach all the way to Egypt to give you your drinks.... I am really sorry and lets just chalk it up to a boy who is on his period. :)

Nothing Happened

Dear America,

Nothing really happened today.

Love,

Brian

So nothing really happened today. Could my good mood be due to the fact that the only people that I saw today were good friends? Isn't it amazing that these people we see all the time and that we talk to almost everyday can say the same things that others say and we just laugh?

For instance, Kacey is my best friend. If she wanted coffee and asked for Splender, I would only smile. Why is that? Is it because I feel that because I know her she deserves a pass? She knows my pet peeves, she knows for instance that I believe the salt and pepper belong on the stove. Why you may ask? Well when you cook you need salt and pepper. So they belong on the stove. That is their home, in my mind that is where they are most comfortable. If they are on the stove, they are eaiser to find. I cannot understand how I came to this conclusion as no one in my family keeps the salt and pepper on the stove, but I do. Kacey knows this and she understands this. To others, they go nuts. All of my college roommates could not understand this, and I do not think that any roommates I have had since college have understood this, with the exception of Kacey. Others would fight and argue and move the salt and pepper. It would drive them crazy that I would move it back, but not Kacey. She would smile, make a joke, and put it back. Do I get a pass because I speak Kacey?

Why is it that sometimes random people can push our buttons. All of my past observations and rants on this blog have delt with strangers. With the way they speak and the way that they act. Some were rants that were well deserves...who calls a donut Barbarian Cream..... and some not so much....Do you really need that muffin..... but they were all strangers that bothered me.

If one of my best friends came into my store and snatched money out of my hand, said that they needed something or stood in line for 15 min while they decided what they wanted, I would have no problem. Is it love? Maybe. It could be that I can do to my family and friends what I want when I am done. You see when the lady who orders the barbarian cream donut orders, I have to smile and hand her the donut. I have to keep a strong hand on Brianna Ross as she wants to say... "

You FOOL! Do you even hear what you are saying. You know what, no donut for you! Stupid

people cannot have donuts.!"

I cannot say this to Ms Whatshername, but i can call my friend up and make fun of them for their slip up. I can go home and hit them upside the head and say

"Seriously! You felt the need to stand there for 15 min trying to figure out what you wanted. Is our wall o donuts to extensive for you? Is there too much choice, cause I can pair it down for you. You know what, you can only choose between glazed and chocolate glazed!"

Could you imagine what would happen if I said that to a customer? It would almost be worth it. :) So I guess we have come to the conclusion that it could be love, or it could be the simple fact that I can do to my friends what I can't do to my customers :)

UFC Fighting and Wrestling

Dear America,

Why is it that when two men are in the same room the talk about UFC fighting or wrestling? How is this not gay?

Love

Brian

The other night I went with my friend Kacey to cut some hair. This happens from time to time, and as I am her fearless sidekick, I go where I am needed. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, there was the standard guy greeting when we walked in...

"Hey Man." "Hey , sup?"

So we walked into the room ,and everyone was very friendly. I do not usually have good experiences with guys, they often bully me or in general make me feel uncomfortable. Coming from a family of mostly girls, I just don't know how to deal with guys. But these guys were pretty cool so there was nothing to fear. I went and sat down with Taylor (Kacey's daughter) and watched her do her Hair diva thing.

So as Kacey cut hair I sat back and did what I am supposed to do as the faithful sidekick. I observed. Everyone in the room knew each other, so it was a lot of what are you doing this weekend, and he did this and she did that. I was content to sit and watch as I like to watch people. It's like watching animals in the zoo and this can be fun.

It was at this point that the strange male bonding ritual happened. They began talking about UFC fighting. As a male I have never really understood this. I must admit that I am missing something in my DNA, or it could be that I simply have so many sisters and female cousins and friends that this part of me has not been developed. It has taken me about 28 years to develop an interest for football and the ability to watch it.

I first noticed this anomaly when I was in high school, ten years ago. Has it really been that long? I can still remember it. I was sitting in one of those lovely old desks, listing to the guys around me talk about their weekends and what parties that they were going to. ( I always seemed to sit around these guys) They started talking about Wrestling and how this man did this and that man threw this guy and this one was rolling around on the floor with that guy. It got me to thinking about how homoerotic this all was.

have you ever watched Wrestling on tv, or UFC fighting? You have two guys that are very well built... usually... and they come out onto the stage or the octagon, or the wrestling mat thing, and they look at each other. This is a very interesting and meaningful look (some of my friends say that the two wrestlers are trying to decide who the top is ). You will notice that as they are looking at each other, they have been oiled up, usually so that their hot bodies can be showed off. Usually after they have strutted around flexing and yelling at each other, they will then roll around on the floor in many different positions as they hug and hit and try to pin each other to the floor. UFC is pretty much the same, except that they beat the crap out of each other. So they are basically into pain.

My question is, how is this not gay? How can all of these guys in high school talk about this and they are not gay? The guys that did not watch all of this, were gay. It is oh so confusing. I have no desire to watch any of this. Can someone please explain to me how this works? Does this mean that I am not going to get my man card?

And then I realized..... I don't need a man card. I don't have to conform to what society wants me to be. I have a man card, God gave it to me the day I was born. You see this man card is called a penis. So no matter what happens, what i watch on tv or what I wear, I am a man, and there is really nothing that anyone can do about it.

Poor Doobie

Dear America,

Who knew not putting water in a dogs bowl could be so entertaining?

Love

Brian

Last night my friend and I went to another friends house. We were really just looking to hang out and have a little down time. As our friend was not home, but her kids were we decided to just hang and see what would happen. I can tell you know that we were very happy that we did.

As often happens with teenagers, the video games came out. So as we watched Rock Band, an odd thing happened. We kept hearing a noise in the kitchen. Now I have to admit that I get a little mesmerized by rock band. The music, the colors and the rhythm kind of get me. I can't help it, I just get sucked in. So I was suprised when my friend Kacey tapped me on the arm and asked me a question.

Kacey: "Is that Chair moving?"

Brian: "What are you talking about?"

kacey: "That chair! The one by the window. Is it moving? I swear that it is moving on it's own."

Now we have all been home during the afternoon. So we have all seen the show about people who encounter ghosts. So when you are in a place that you usually do not live and something happens out of the ordinary you tend to get a little scared. Kacey and I are not known for being practical when we are together. We are known for feeding off of each other, so I was surprised that we stayed calm through this endeavor.

We realized that what was happening was that Doobie the Dog was scratching at his bowl. This was causing the chair to move. Once we had established that the house was not haunted, we began to watch doobie. He would walk over to his bowl and scratch. He would then put his face into the bowl and lick. Once he had done this three times, he would then prance over to the living-room where everyone was sitting and do a little dance. Once done with the dance he would then start over again. We watched for about three times, when finally one of us said "Perhaps the dog is hungry."

When we looked into the bowl we saw that there was a bowl full of food. The dog looked so excited as we were looking at the bowl. But he did not want food. Well what was next? Water! The dog needed water. He had not had water in his bowl for sometime. As we poured water into the bowl, Doobie became very excited. Dancing on his hind legs and wagging his tail. He then drank for two min straight.

While this dog was drinking, we began a monolog of what this dog could be saying.

Doobie: "For the love of GOD someone give me some water. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I need WATER? Some one put Water in my bowl.:

As he was looking at us... "Look fool, give me water! I will cut you if you do not give me water!"

as the water was being poured into the bowl :" Thank God! Finally! YESSSSSSSS!"

Doobie finally got his water and then he laid down to take a nap. This may not be funny to many of you, but it serves a purpose. If you want to laugh till you pee, forget to put water in your dogs bowl.

Julia helped me find my path.

Dear America,

Did you ever think you would be following a woman that was so in love with butte?!

Love,

Brian

I do not always have to have a rant. It may seem to many of you out there that all I do is rant. Well this is far from the truth. I am not saying that I don't occasionally get onto my soap box , but I am after all a Hitchcock and that is what we seem to be known for. Also, I have not had anytime off since I started this blog, but now I have had three days off and I have to say that there have not been that many ranting explosions issued forth from my mouth. I have had moments, when someone forgets to use their blinker and before I can stop myself "You stupid pin head. Do they not use blinkers where you come from? Is it too much work to flip the blinker stick? (yes this is what I call it) Will it burn too many calories for you fat ass to turn on the blinker?" but as I have not had to listen to 15,000 people repeatedly say splender (yes you will hear about this for the rest of my life) then I do not have much to rant about.

So today I will be talking about my new found love for Julia Child. How did this happen you may ask? Well i decided that I needed some me time. I needed to get away from it all. So my usual course of action is to go see a movie. I am not a big go see the movie with a bunch of people kind of guy. I get annoyed when people talk to me, ask me questions, or want to make observations about the movie. I have a select group of people that I can see a movie with at any point and time, but they have all been extensively trained by me as to how to act when I go to a movie.

Today I decided I would go see Julia and Julie. I was not disappointed. From the moment we see Maryl Streep as Julia Child, you forget that she is Maryl, she become Julia. I loved seeing Julia dare people to tell her she could not do something. She would not take no for an answer, and repeatedly did things as she saw fit. She loved her husband, and wanted only to enjoy the life that she would have with him.

I was inspired by this woman. I was also inspired by Julie, or should I say I knew what it was like to be Julie. To feel that you have no direction in your life, that everyone around you is succeeding and you are not. To feel a desire to have more than what you have. She talked of living in Queens over a pizza place, and I talk of living in my fathers house once again. She worked in a job where she felt she was making no difference, and I feel the same. How many times can you put a donut in a bag in one day?

What makes these two women the new loves of my life? The refused to be put into a box. They dared to figure out what they needed from the world and took it. Julia Child worked on her cookbook for years. She must have rewritten that thing many times, but she never stopped. She never felt sorry for herself, and if she did she promptly stopped. The same for Julie. She cried and fussed and laughed and fought. What she realized is that she is human. So when she cried because the stuffing fell out of the dunk, she wasn't crying about the stuffing. She was crying because life is hard. Life is confusing and will send you in a million different directions. No one ends up where they set out to be. If they did, then they are lying. Life is to random. To exciting , to hard. You cannot follow a list. You cannot walk in a straight line. You cannot live in a box. All you can do is travel your own path. It will go uphill, will turn to the left and right. It will be rocky and it will be smooth, but it will be your path. You are the only one that can travel it. You are the only one that can walk it correctly. Why you may ask. Why can't I walk the path that my friends are walking? Because that is their path. You may walk right beside them, but you are not walking their path. So walk the way that you want to America. It's your path, enjoy it.

Could you BE anymore lazy?

Dear America,

How lazy have we become? We can't get out of our cars, and we cannot even finish our sentences. It's not that hard and I promise you will not die!

Love always
Brian

Yesterday while at work I was on the drive thru. I actually spent most of the morning on sandwhiches which was different for me as I usually work Drive thru. Apparently I am a Drive thru wonder? Who knew? Anyway I spent the latter part of my shift on Drive thru and once again I was confronted with the wonderment that is America. Customers would pull up to the order box and say... " I need a large 16 sugars and 13 creams." They would then drive up to the window. They then got mad at me when I asked them what their drink was. "I ordered a LARGE with 16 SUGARS and 13 CREAMS! Is that so hard?"

I then had to smile and politely ask them.. well do you want hot coffee, iced coffee, a latte, iced latte, frozen coffe beverage....

You see it is at this point in time that the evil diva that lives in me wants to come out. When I was first working at Starbucks one of my fellow Shift Supervisors told me that she loved to work with me. When i asked her why she told me that she never knew who she would be working with that day. Please to explain I said, and she did.

Andreniese: "You see we have a name for you when you deal with difficult customers We call you Brianna Ross! When you are dealing with nice customers we call you Brionce."

Brian: "WHAT?!"

Andreniese: "Yep. You see when a difficult customer comes in and you deal with them ( or a difficult partner) you get this air about you. You seem to change before our eyes. You stand taller and this look comes over your face. The customer can see it too, and we enjoy watching them squirm. You let them know who is boss, and that just because they are the customer it does not mean that they are right. We love it.

Brian: "interesting".

So when people are to lazy to finished thier sentences and get mad at me because I do not know what they want, it is not Brian they are dealing with, but Brianna Ross. This diva that lives in me does not understand how people can be like this. Is it so hard to say coffee? Is it this word that we have to go to school for 15 years to learn to say. Do we spend Elemantary school on just learning the letters, Middle school on sounding it out and high school on saying it all togehter and writing it down? It's not that hard. My niece can go into a resturaunt and order off of a menu and say each and every word that needs to be said. She goes not say, I want a meduim rare with mustard, ketchup, mayo on the side and no tomatoe. She tells the server that she wants a hamburger.

And yes, I do know that you want 16 sugars and 13 creams. How may you ask? It's because you have not a tooth in your head, or if you do they are a bit rotten, and you are a fat cow! This is what Brianna Ross wants to say. And while we are ranting about Drive thru... do not come through and ask for 15 seperate orders. This is just WRONG! Drive thru is supposed to be fast! There is no way you can do that many orders in three min. You are going to get parked anyway, so you should just come inside. I can understand why people who are traveling come thru, I understand if you are in a hurry, (but if you are running late to work you should not stop. It is not my fault that you are going to be late. And stopping to get something to eat or drink is going to take some time.) I understand if you have your kids and you are by yourself. Just don't be so lazy America. Is it going to kill you to walk three feet to a door open in and walk inside to order. I can see it now....

Brianna Ross: "DAMN"

Shaquwna: "girl what happen"

Brianna Ross: " This lady was coming in and I guess walking across the parking lot was too much for her. That bitch done died."

This is what goes through my head every day. It has come to the point that I do not want to go to the drive thru anymore because I view it as lazy. So America, just get out of your cars and finish your sentences. And while we are at it you might want to brush you teeth.

Why do you call it coolwhip?

Dear America,
There is a difference between coolwhip and whipped cream. You cannot put coolwhip on a latte!

Love Always,
Brian

So I guess you could say this goes along with Splender and all those wonderful words that I have talked about over the years. It just bafles my mind that people of the world call whipped cream coolwhip. Seriously. There are many many differnces. I know that you can put whipped cream on a piece of pie, and that you can put coolwhip on a piece of pie, but just because you can put two things onto one thing does not mean that they are interchangeable. Let us make an illustration shall we?

You can put lemon in tea, and you can put milk in tea, but you would not call milk lemon and lemon milk. If we did this it would get a little crazy. There is no milk tree and when you milk a cow lemon does not shoot out...even though this would be kind of cool. Might hurt the cow though. You can play a record and you can play a cd, but you cannot play a cd on a record player. There fore they are not interchageable. It just does not sound so good. That is really another one of my pet peeves, when people of an older generation call cd's records. It is not. And Ice box. I know that once long ago the refrodgerator was called an ice box because you put ice in top of it to keep your food cold. This is no longer the case. These are two different machines that do the same job. So we should call them what they are.

You may ask what is the big deal about coolwhip. Why can't I put it on my latte? Well we don't have it! That is the big reason. Also whipped cream comes out of a can (unless you are The Barefoot Contessa and make it the traditional way) and there fore it goes into the cup eaiser. Coolwhip has to be scouped out, and is often in a very bulky shape and size and will not fit into the size cups most places have. It just does not work that way.

While we are on this rant, just because a place of business has a drive thru does not mean that they serve coke products or breakfast/lunch food. I can remember one day at work at Starbucks when someone drove into the drive thru and ordered a steak biscut. SERIOUSLY! He was shocked when I politely informed him that we did not have breakfast food (they do now, but then we did not). He wanted to know why we did not serve breakfast food. Why do you not have burgers and fires? I am very confuesd. Well sir...it's a coffee shop. Coffee.

So America, thake a min to stop, think and read the menu. You may see that there is not something on it. And let me just inform you of this... Most businesses tend to put all of thier products onto the Drive thru menu. We do not hide food in the back for those speical people that guess them. So if you do not see a delicious breakfast treat on the menu, we do not have it. So stop asking me if you can get fries with that, if we have coke, if we have hamburgers and such. This is not Burger King, and you cannot have it your way!

Did you really feel the need to say that?

Dear America,

Can't we all just get along?

Love

Brian

So some of this is of a rather personal nature. I am not looking for sympathy just needing to vent.

Why must we say things to each other that really hurt us? I am sure that we do not always mean them to hurt, but they do all the same. What am I talking about you ask? here are some examples.....

My dad does to parent teacher night when I am 15 or 16... Meets my teachers. Tells them all in my presence that I am a lazy student and you have to watch me because I will never get any of my work done. Gets into an argument with my English teacher because she tells him that I am her best student and that I should be in honors student. My dad just continues to argue that I am worthless.... same with French teacher, math teacher, writing teacher...after writing teacher I refuse to let my father meet anymore of my teachers. My french teacher told me that she just wanted to take me home cause she felt like I was a puppy that was repeatedly being kicked.

I received my my report card in 11th grade. 3.8 average... all A's one B. What does my father say to me? Good job I am so proud of you? ..... nope. "Why didn't you get an A in math? You got a B? I can't believe you got a B in Math. You really need to study harder. You are so lazy. I cannot believe this, a B in math...." I had 1 A the semester before in English and an A in French.. a C in math and B's in the rest. Brought every grade on my report card up, and that is all he could say.

When playing baseball as a kid, I never hit the ball far enough, never ran fast enough, never threw hard enough. I played soccer third grade year, won most improved for the season, my dad told me that he wished I played baseball like I played soccer.

It's the story of my life... You are lazy, that was stupid, that grade is not high enough, I can't come to your honors ceremony because I don't have a babysitter and I don't want your sister to have to sit through something like that... aren't you getting a little fat? You got into UF, really? Didn't see that coming!

Now let me clarify something. When I was a little boy my dad told me he loved me on a daily basis. He would spend 4 hours of his weekend, every weekend, on the road traveling between two towns so that I could spend time with him. He called me all the time to talk to me and took an interest in what I was doing. I was fed and clothed, and loved. So my dad loves, me and I get that. I do not want to be ungrateful, but at some point in my life I began to feel as if I was a failure.

One of my friends recently told me that I am funny, that I have a kind heart, that I am smart, attractive and a great friend to have. I had a hard time believing her. I do however believe people when they tell me I am stupid, fat, ugly, and boring. I think my father meant well, but I just don't think he can ever really see that as a kid who worshiped the ground he walked on it hurt 50 times more when he said the things he said to me, and at some point it seems that the good started to out weigh the bad. Someone once told me that I should not be so sensitive. That i should understand that my dad doesn't really mean what he says. My reply to that..... He should not say it then!

I don't care who you are and what you have done. If you do not mean what you are saying then do not say it. Think about what you are saying before you say, and if there is a nicer way to say it then say it that way. My father meant well... he had good intentions, but that does not always mean that it is right. The road to hell and all that. I am sure that Joan Crawford had good intentions when she hit her daughter with that wire hanger (and I am not saying my dad abused me) but I do not see every one hitting their kids with hangers.

So just think before you speak.

Put down your cell phone before I gut you like a PIG!

Dear America,

Must we talk so much on our phones? Is it that hard to go five min without talking on your cell phone? Could you possibly order your food before you make the call? And take that stupid blinky bluetooth out of your ear before I shove it where the sun is not supposed to shine!

Love,

Brian

So this one goes way back for me. Long long ago in a kingdom not so far away there were subjects who actually talked to each other in person. If they had something to say they might write you a letter, or maybe they would wait until they saw you in person to tell you. They would sometimes call on the phone, but only when they were at home and all work had been done. Then an evil enchantress (who wore glasses, a nice up do and some really nice suits that she charged to the tax payers through campaign donations...and said you betcha a lot,) introduced the cell phone. (doesn't she have a saucy wink?)

Everyone thought that this was a wonderful idea. We can talk to our friends all the time now. If I have an emergency I can call for help right away. Oh this is wonderful. Alas, people did not used these new cell phones to call friends and family in case of emergency. No, they used them to tell Kiki that Brittany told Rhoda, that Shelby saw Dina talking to Rachel who we all know is a triffelen heffea! Shooooooo! Ever so slowly kindness and common courtesy left the kingdom. The sun went dark and all was thrown into chaos. The evil enchantress (who also like to ride her broom into the air so that she could shoot wolves from the air) smiled with glee. Her plan had worked and now she could take over the kingdom. You see the hero could not hear the cry of the masses as he had forgotten to take his bluetooth out before he went swimming and his eardrums had burst from the electric shock.....(some say that is was the evil enchantresses warlock friends fault as he had used a new type of torture ....water-boarding... on our fair hero..... Allegedly) All was lost and there was no one to save the people of this fair kingdom......

So kids, what have we learned from this story. Probably nothing. You see no one can put down their cell phones long enough to read this blog. How do I know this you may ask. Let me tell you :)

I have worked in a little thing we like to call customer service for probably the last ten years. It has been my joy and delight to be a part of what I like to call The Dance of the cell phone! You see what you must do is go up to a counter and talk to a sales person. Now some partners like to start the dance with a solo, by this I mean they are already talking on their cell phones.... which is the first step in our dance, others will come up to the counter and begin conversation with the sales associate and move ever so eloquently into the first step of the dance by answering their phones. This step can be managed by digging in a purse, but the more experienced dancer will do the legendary finger hold. This is a synchronized move in which the dancer answers the phone and at the same time with their other hand holds up their index finger to show their partner that they must stop. Then starts the part of the dance where the sales associate must bob and weave and try to get the attention of the dance partner. The dance partner or customer, must then put a nasty look on their face and totally ignore the sales associate. The dance ends with the customer hanging up their phone and either talking to or being angry with the sales associate.

Good dance! But seriously folks.....Why do you find it necessary to talk on your phones while you are ordering. Why do you apologize to your friends on the phone and talk about how the rude sales associate keeps interrupting you. I have seen people stand in line for ten min staring at the menu talking on their phones while countless people wait in line to order. Also if you have been in line for 5- 10 min, why do you not know what you want? All I can really say is that I hate people on cell phones. And I know that every now and again I do it... and always feel bad, but I apologize to the person behind the counter, not my friend

Love,

Brian

ps.. if you stick you stupid finger in my face one more time to say that you need me to hold on, I will snap that sucker off so fast and you may find a finger flying at your face! I'm just sayin.

Do you really NEED that?

Dear America,

Do you really need that coffee? What will happen if you don't get it?

Love,

Brian

Today a man walks up to the counter and says to me....

" I need a blueberry muffin".... So lets ignore the fact that he in no way responded to my charming and winning smile, to my exuberant and pleasant Good Morning, or my how are you today... We will just have to believe that he is either....

A) single and can't cook

B) has made his wife mad and she has decided to not make him a wonderful breakfast this morning.

C)running late for work because he was helping old ladies cross a busy intersection... or

D) a meanie head poopy face :)

Anyway.... this really got me to thinking.... Does he need this muffin? I know that you need air, you need to drink 8 8oz glasses of water a day, you need to respect your parents (cause they brought you into this world and they can and will take you right out of it) you also need to eat three times a day and pay your taxes.... Uncle Sam needs to get his.. OKAY?

but... do you need a blueberry muffin? I can just see it now...

MHPF: (meanie head poopy face) "I need a blueberry muffin!"

VNVPGWE(Very Nice Very Polite Generaly Wonderful Employee) : I am sorry sir but we are out of those today.... would you like a Coffee Cake Muffin instead? Or maybe you would like to try our new Barbarian Cream Donut... Bob Just loves it!"

MHPF: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!! The Horror!!!!!! (POOOOF, WOOSH, Clump)

Nancy (works with VNVPGWE) "What had happen?"

VNVPGWE:" We didn't have the blueberry muffin so he spontaneously combusted. Kind of sucks... Oh well... Can I help You?"

I do not think that if you do not get your tasty breakfast treat you will expire. You may want it, you may like to have one please, it may be nice to eat one...etc etc etc... but I do not think that this constatutes a necessity. Is the national guard going to be called out because you did not get your muffin? No. Will the national guard get called out if a Hurricane hits a major American city killing many and making many homeless... hmmmm maybe this was not a good example..(cough cough BUSH!) Anyway I think you get my point (BUSH SUCKS)... I mean... (sorry) that a latte or a muffin or something of that nature is not a need... it is a want and should be addressed as such.

Love Always :)

Brian

p.s. (my feelings for Bush are my own and I am in no way saying that you should dislike this man. I am sure he is a wonderful, husband, father and son... the jury is still out on the President thing. )