Tipping the Balance

Dear America,

If you are going to order food and have it either brought to your table, or your house, then you should tip. It is the right thing to do. If you cannot tip, then do not order!

Love Always,
Brian

Tonight my father is out of town and my little sister is working late. So I decided that I would do something that I often did while living in my own home. I ordered take out. Having gotten up at 3am this morning to make the donuts, and working until about three this afternoon, I decided that after my nap I would have food delivered. Before I ordered my food I took out my check book and looked at ecxactly how much money I had in my account. It was not that I feared that I would bounce a check, (though this is a reality I have to live with these days as my paycheck is smaller and this makes it harder to stay within the limits of my budget) but it was to see just how much I was comfortable tipping the delivery driver.

Many of you out there may think... "Why is he doing this? What is the big deal about a tip. Just give a couple dollars and be done with it."

To this I answer, SHAME ON YOU! Having once been a delivery driver for a very nice Pizza Company, I have seen it all. Let me tell you, when a man opens the door and his erect penis is pointing out of his pajama bottoms, you have earned that two dollar tip! When you find a note on the door that says... "Dear Pizza Man, We are having Sex. Do not ring the door bell. Money is under the mat. Tip included. Please leave Pizza on door step. Thank you." You deserve the dollar that has been left to you. It is also hard to believe how people order food and then have sex before the delivery person arrives. I cannot tell you how many nights I have stood on a door step and knocked, called, rang the door bell, and then heard the tell tale sounds of "Oh so Sweet Lovin" going on. That my friends is why I carried a magazine in my back pocket. I would settle in on the door step and read for a bit. It was not always that long before someone in that apartment or house was a little bit happier and a little bit hungrier. So once the high sign was given (and you know what I am talking about ladies, or maybe you don't, hope you do though) I would ring the door bell and then smile when the guy answered the door. Sometimes this got me a bigger tip. Some would ask me what the magazine was for,and of course I would say

" Just waiting for you to finish up."
Some would smile, some would laugh, others would frown, but it was always worth it.

You see delivery drivers and waiters/waitresses have to deal with a lot. Contrary to popular beliefe, they do not only have one delivery or one table. So when you deliver to a frat party and you are taken into the house and shoved into a room where two people are having sex, are you really suprised that you delivery man is going to call you a stupid, festering bitch monkey! (yes this did happen to me, and yes those were my words. I also recived a very large tip that night as i threatend to call the house mother and tell her what happened to me)

I do not understand why it is funny to people to mess with thier delivery drivers, or why they think that they do not need to tip them. I have seen family members who tip 30 -40 percent to a server only tip the delivery guy a dollor or two. Why does he deserve less than a waiter. In all likelyhood, he has answered the phone, taken your order, made your pizza, and driven to your house. So are you honestly suprised that he tells you to get bent, when you look at him and tell him that he must give you a dollar because he does not carry change and you want your change, which is a dime? Are you suprised that when you give him a fake address and he cant find your street after 45 min of driving, that he is going to give you the finger and tell you to F%*@ yourself five ways from Sunday, when you call him and give him the real address. (seriously, Streets do not just magically change, and if they some how do, people usually know thier addresses.) So I don't care if you are black, white, green or yellow. If you are gay, straight, bi or a tranny. If you are handicapped or not. You will treat a delivery person with respect because they are people too. (and you are lucky I am not your delivery man, cause the last guy in a wheel chair who refused to pay me the correct amount of money got my finger in the air, and his pizza on the ground.)

I do have to say thank you woman who chased her boyfriend from the house with her high heel and made him give me a twenty dollar tip. (he had given me a wad of money and jerked the pizza out of my hand. He then slammed the door in my face, and I found that he had stiffed me five dollars.) She beat the crap out of him. Also thank you to the guy who gave me a fifty dollar tip becuase I brought back change for a hundred. Some people are cool. What some people do not understand is that delivering or waiting on tables is hard. It is not our fault that someone did not put the right toppings on your pizza. It is not our fault that the cook did not make your order right, or forgot to make it. We do what we can, but when you have 5 tabels all with 5- 10 people who all want one thing after another, but wait for you to come back from getting that fork, or that napkin, or the breadsticks, it might take some time. So why punish the waiter. (also when you stiff the delivery driver or you give him the wrong amount of money, he pays for that pizza out of his tips. So you may think that you are screwing with corporate america, but you are really hurting the small guy.)

What if I had a son who was in high school. Lets say that he had to write a paper on Sherman's march through Atlanta. The teacher has taught my son what he needs to know. She has helped him after school, she has given him books to read and done everything possible to make sure that he gets a good grade. He gets his paper back and gets a C. Now what if I walked into her classroom and told her that she had to give me twenty bucks, or that I was going to have the school dock twenty dollars from her paycheck. You would think me crazy! Well let me tell you something America, this is what you do on a day to day basis. So just tip the waiter or delivery driver. If you go to starbucks everyday and the barista behind the counter knows your name, birthday and what grade your daughter is in, drop a freakin dollar in the tip jar. That barista helps about a thousand people a week ( if you do not believe me, my slowest store pushed 3,000 people a week through the doors on a slow week). So it is pretty amazing that they know your name, drink, personal information and that your drink is ready before you have finished paying!

Some of you may say that you do not want to tip. Well then i have a solution for you. It is easy and simple. GET YOUR FAT ASS OF THE COUCH AND COOK YOUR OWN DINNER, OR PICK IT UP YOURSELF! ( and for all that is wonferful and pure, wait untill after you pleasure your self to order your pizza!)